There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “With friends like these, you don’t need enemies.” When it comes to “friends” who bring toxicity into your life, this saying couldn’t be more true. What can we do to establish essential boundaries in our lives and, if necessary, separate from toxic friends?
If you look around at your social circle – your network of family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances – you will find that they fit into one of two general categories:
- Those who add to your life
- Those who subtract from your life
There are people who are a blessing to you. They help fill you up. They encourage you, build you up, make you feel better. They are there when you need them. They are reliable, helpful, patient, and understanding.
Of course, no one is perfect, but such people are — on balance — a “net positive.” They add value to your life.
And then there are those in the other camp. These are people who drain you of your energy. They produce anxiety and fill you with stress. They are often manipulative and deceitful. They are not reliable and they are often not worthy of your trust. They may have some redeeming value now and then, but overall – on balance – they are a “net negative” to your life.
Balancing Love and Acceptance
Many Christians will perhaps balk at these descriptors. After all, aren’t we supposed to love everyone? Aren’t we supposed to forgive everyone? How can we, as people of faith, even entertain the idea that we should separate from some people?
Well, we can entertain that notion because it’s one talked about in Scripture.
Yes, we are supposed to love everyone, but some people should be loved from a distance.
The book of Proverbs tells us that we should be cautious in choosing our friends, and the New Testament is replete with passages on church discipline. There are some people we should pull away from, some people we should spend less time with than others.
This is of course very difficult when it comes to family. There’s another old saying: “You can choose your friends, but you’re stuck with your family.” This saying is rooted in the fact that family relationship are much more difficult to deal with than those outside of a nuclear family.
We will have to address family dynamics in a different article. This blog post could easily turn into a book if I were to attempt to address every single type of human relationship. For now, I will focus on friendships — mainly friendships outside of the family.
Let me simply make the point here that loving someone does NOT mean you must accept that person into your social circle. Loving your neighbor doesn’t mean you must make every neighbor your close friend.
It is healthy, and altogether acceptable, for you to exercise some wisdom and prudence in who you embrace as a friend.
Your First Friendship is to God
When asked about the most important commandment, Jesus replied: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment.” (Mark 12:30)
Your primary relationship is, and should be, with your Creator. No One is more important than God Himself. And we are commanded to love God with “all” our “heart,” “soul,” “mind,” and “strength.”
If anything or anyone comes in the way of our relationship with God, we must be willing to make the necessary sacrifice. By this, I of course do not mean a literal burnt offering on some kind of altar. I simply mean that we must choose our relationship with God over all others – and give God the preeminence to which He is entitled.
This means that I may have to sacrifice some friendships, if those friends seek to pull me away from God or, in some way, compromise my fellowship with God.
Friendships and Loving Your Neighbor
The second commandment is that we “love” our “neighbor.” When Jesus used the term “neighbor,” He was referring to anyone in our life — anyone with whom we come in contact with, not simply the person or persons living next door. He makes this abundantly clear with His parable on the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37).
While we may be closer to some people than others, we are to love everyone. It’s important we get this fundamental premise.
And therefore, the only relationships which can be deemed healthy – from a spiritual standpoint – are those relationships which encourage us to love our neighbor. Any friendship that influences or pressures you to hate your neighbor is a relationship that is ipso facto an ungodly relationship.
This is a principle described rather dramatically at the beginning of the book of Proverbs:
My son, if sinners entice you,
Proverbs 1:10-11
Do not consent.
If they say, “Come with us,
Let us lie in wait to shed blood;
Let us lurk secretly for the innocent without cause;
In the above example, Solomon (the author of this passage in Proverbs) warns his son not to cast his lot in with bandits who would prey on the innocent for personal (or group) gain. The prohibition applies both literally and figuratively (or, we might say, proverbially).
When I was a kid, I remember that some friendships were built on a premise of verbal (or physical) bullying — having fun at the expense of others. I was often on the receiving end of such alliances, and (sadly) I – on a few occasions – participated. None of my experiences rose to the level of thievery or actual shedding of blood, but the underlying principle was the same: Two or more “friends” banding together to build themselves up by tearing others down.
The Bible condemns such relationships or friendships. We are to have no part in them.
People Who Cause Division
Of course, these arrangements don’t spring up in a vacuum. And rarely, is there overt recruitment along the lines of “Hey, be my friend and we’ll go around and harass and mock other people.” (Possible exception for certain criminal gangs, but I’m assuming you don’t need a pastoral blog post to tell you to steer clear of those relationships).
What generally happens is that certain people will come into our life (or into a group or affiliation that we have) and begin to spread their toxicity. They will start to influence us in a direction we shouldn’t go.
They will spread gossip, slander, or dissension. They will manipulate, cajole, and maneuver. And slowly but surely, whether consciously or unconsciously, they will “recruit.”
This was the case in Bible times just as it is today. And Proverbs isn’t the only book to warn against it. This was a recurring theme for the Apostle Paul. Among his many writings on the subject, we find this sobering passage in his letter to the church in Rome:
Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.
Romans 16:17-18
Paul is warning the Roman Christians against people who, for their own gain (“their own belly”), will “cause divisions and offenses” and who will use “smooth words and flattering speech” to “deceive” people and sow division among God’s people.
One of the most discouraging aspects of my job as a pastor is seeing this dynamic of division and deception play out again and again. In some cases, people don’t know they are being deceived or manipulated. In other cases, they do. In fact, in some cases, they are doing much of the manipulation themselves.
You don’t need to put other people down to build yourself up.
And it’s not your place to defend your “turf” or elevate yourself among God’s people, especially in the church, because…
It’s not your church. It’s Jesus’ church.
Don’t be a person who causes division or who gives offense. Don’t be someone who sows discord among God’s people. Don’t do it.
In fact, I would encourage you to bend over backwards and go out of your way to make sure you’re NOT doing that.
How to Separate From Toxic People
Let’s assume that you’re doing your best to remain blameless, to remain truly innocent, and yet you have toxic people in your life — people who are (consciously or unconsciously) hurting your relationship with God, and perhaps even your mental and emotional health.
What do you do?
How can you set boundaries and/or separate from them?
While this isn’t offered as a foolproof formula, I believe these foundational steps are absolutely essential:
- Strengthen your relationship with God. Draw close to Him. (James 4:8)
- Resolve to put EVERYTHING and EVERYONE on the proverbial altar. Be willing to lose all you possess and all your relationships – and serve God ALONE if necessary. (Luke 14:33; I John 2:15-17)
- Pray and ask Him for Clarity and Wisdom. (James 1:5-8)
- Pray for the People in Your Life. (I Timothy 2:1-3)
- Seek Godly and Wise Counsel. (Proverbs 11:14)
Don’t take any action (unless absolutely necessary) without first taking the above five steps. In fact, I would argue that proper action is not possible without the above 5-step foundation.
And hopefully, you’re taking these steps over a period of time and not simply playing “catch-up” when things get to crisis level.
When it comes time for confrontation, separation, or withdrawal, much depends on the nature of the friendship — and on your complicity with any past misdeeds or impropriety.
My suggestion is (after doing the above five things, especially seeking wisdom from God) that you approach the person in sincere love, humility, and openness. Explain that, right now, your spiritual and mental and emotional health depend on your making some changes — changes in the things you focus on, listen to, and talk about. And that you have made a decision to take your faith more seriously and to be more intentional in your growth in the Lord.
And then you can be specific in your requests. Set your boundaries and make them clear. And be prepared to follow through.
I’ve had to cut some people off (at least temporarily), even blocking their emails and phone calls. Yes, even me, as a pastor. I needed to do this for the sake of my stress level, my testimony, and my peace of mind.
Was it easy? No.
But I did it.
You have to be willing to walk away, to pull back, and to establish those boundaries. At some point, the people may respect you and may come back around. But whether they do or not is between them and God. You must do your part to keep yourself sane, healthy, and properly focused.
A Final Word of Caution and Clarification
Don’t hold people to a standard of perfection. And don’t cut people off after just one or two mistakes or poor choices. (The exception to this would be if your safety is at risk).
Be humble yourself. Realize that we’re all sinners. And understand that some people may be going through a tough time. Be willing to extend some grace and mercy.
Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Luke 6:31)
Start with trying to set some healthy boundaries. A person who is truly your friend will respect those boundaries and appreciate your open, forthright communication.
If you’re faced with a situation where you must pull back, do so gracefully if at all possible. There’s no need to take any parting shots.
If this is all taking place in a church setting, you can discuss your concerns with church leadership, but you don’t need to engage in vigilante church discipline. You don’t need to appoint yourself the enforcer of truth and decency. You can pray, pull back, and (as necessary and as appropriate) notify church leaders of your concerns.
Make sure you don’t succumb to hate. Don’t surrender to bitterness or vindictiveness. Don’t try to retaliate or “get back” at anyone. It’s not worth it.
Focus on your life. Focus on your journey. Run your race.
And as you do… choose your friends wisely and prayerfully.
God bless you.
