Should followers of Christ strive to be consistently kind and nice, even when there is a need for correction or rebuke? That was at the heart of a discussion I had recently with a dear brother in Christ. And it led me to reflect on Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 4, specifically verse 29.
Obviously, we’re all human. And we all fall short of the glory of God. That most certainly includes me. Therefore, I don’t want anyone reading this to think I’m holding myself up as a standard on this. I have not always been as gracious or kind as I believe the Lord would have me to be. This is not me talking down to you or any other reader. This is me sharing my heartfelt and honest understanding of a verse I think all of us should meditate on.
And that verse is…
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. (Ephesians 4:29, KJV)
First, I encourage you to read all of Ephesians 4. Frankly, I encourage you to read all of Ephesians. That way, you can get the full context for Ephesians 4:29. For now, I’ll quickly summarize…
The Epistle to the Ephesians is one of Paul’s epistles. It is written to the Christian church in Ephesus, a congregation that was predominantly Gentile. Paul’s epistle is a theological and doctrinal treatise, outlining (among other things) the nature and purpose of the church, the body of Christ.
The first three chapters generally focus on theology, while the fourth chapter serves as a transition to the latter half of the epistle that pertains to the outworking of proper theology in the life of a believer. The fourth chapter of Ephesians emphasizes the importance of unity in the body of Christ and the spiritual growth of believers into maturity and the fullness of Christ.
In verse 29 (keeping in mind that the verses were added centuries later), Paul says “no corrupt communication” should come out of the mouth of a believer, but rather “that which is good to the use of edifying.” And this edifying communication should be delivered with “grace unto the hearers.”
The Greek term translated as “corrupt” (sapros) refers to that which is rotten or harmful. Believers, therefore, should avoid the use of harmful or destructive words. When believers communicate, it should not be with the intent to harm or put down. Rather…
Believers are to build one another up.
Though my focus with this article is on relationships between brothers and sisters in Christ, particularly with respect to the church (that being Paul’s focus as well), you can probably see how this principle can apply to marriage, parenting, and friendships in general.
The Greek word translated as “edifying” is oikodome, which literally refers to the act of building a house. Figuratively, it underscores the importance of using words to build up others in their faith and life. Accordingly, we are to communicate with the intent to build up, improve, and add to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
Does this mean we must always be nice?
I believe the answer depends on what is meant by “nice.”
If we are talking about saying only things that make other people feel good, then… no… we don’t need to interpret Ephesians 4:29 that way. Sometimes, we have to express truths, facts, observations, insights, or wisdom that a brother or sister may not wish to hear.
And, sometimes, we must speak in a way that gets attention and emphasizes the seriousness of what we have to convey.
However…
I believe too many Christians use this as a “loophole” to justify bad behavior, hurtful words, or unnecessarily harsh language.
Remember, the intent must be to edify. If you’re not doing that, why are you communicating?
Also, Paul doesn’t stop there. While it’s true we may need to express a rebuke or reprimand (perhaps using clear, firm language), we are nevertheless commanded to “minister grace unto the hearers.”
The word behind “grace” is charis. That’s the English transliteration of the Greek word, which is χάρις.
It’s the word used to explain God’s unmerited favor towards us, and it’s also the word used to denote a gift or a blessing conferred by one person on another with no insistence or expectation of return.
In the context of Ephesians 4:29, it means we are to show grace to people just as God has shown grace to us. That means we bless others (with our speech) even if and when they don’t deserve it!
Once again, I admit that I sometimes fall short of this standard. But it is the standard.
Our inability to perfectly live up to a standard should not lead us to ignore, redefine, diminish, or disregard said standard. If it’s a standard from God (and Ephesians 4:29 is), then we must uphold it and strive for it.
And we shouldn’t do so just because we have to. This is a standard that can help all of us across the board.
The bottom line is this…
If more churches lived and operated according to Ephesians 4:29, we would have healthier churches. And, I believe, we would experience God’s power in our lives and communities like never before.
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