I’ll never forget the moment.
I was in college, and a girl I was dating invited me to a social gathering at her house. People were laughing, talking, and having a good time. At one point, her father, sitting comfortably in a chair, looked across the room and said to his wife: “Get me a glass of water.”
That was it.
Not “Honey, could you do me a favor…”
Just “Get me a glass of water.”
The tone wasn’t cruel or angry per se, but it was telling. It wasn’t a request. It was an order. It told me something about how he saw her—not as a cherished wife or equal partner, but as someone beneath him. Like she was there to serve him.
I remember sitting there, stunned. And I quietly made a vow to myself: I don’t want to be that kind of man.
To the extent that feminists and others criticize that kind of “patriarchy” or “toxic masculinity” in American culture (or any culture), I agree with them. I join them in that critique.
I’m thankful that I had another example in my life—my dad. I never once saw my dad talk to my mom that way. He respected her. He treated her with kindness. And I remember how deeply it bothered him when men at church “mistreated” (his word) their wives. His example stuck with me, too.
As we approach another Father’s Day, I want to take a moment to defend fatherhood—but I want to defend the right kind of fatherhood.
It’s disappointing that, in our culture today, criticisms of the “patriarchy” and “toxic masculinity” have often morphed into criticisms of men in general — or at least suspicion of them. We live in a culture that loves to mock and minimize men. Turn on the TV and you’ll see clueless dads, overgrown man-children, or worse. Put it all together, and we have a lot of confusion in our society about what it means to be a man, husband, or dad.
Now, again, to be clear: I’m not defending toxic masculinity—or toxic anything, for that matter. I condemn all forms of abuse, mistreatment, or domineering self-centeredness that too many women and families have endured in their homes. Women should never be reduced to “less than” status in their homes. Nor should children. Such behavior on the part of men is ungodly.
But that doesn’t mean men can’t be men.
And it doesn’t mean that men can’t or shouldn’t be leaders in their homes.
We’ve gone from rightfully calling out abuse and oppression… to shaming men for being men. We’ve made the idea of a father lovingly leading his home seem outdated or even dangerous. And that’s a mistake. A terrible mistake.
The Bible calls men to lead their homes (see Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, etc). Not by lording authority over their wives and children. Not by issuing orders from the recliner. Not by demanding submission like a king on a throne.
No, the model for biblical leadership is Jesus—who humbled Himself, served others, and laid down His life for His bride.
Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” That’s not about control. That’s about sacrifice.
Godly manhood and fatherhood mean taking responsibility.
In fact, that’s the heart of leadership in general: Responsibility.
To be a godly man means showing up. It means protecting, providing, and—most of all—serving. It means leading by example.
So, to the dads out there who are doing their best to be godly men: Don’t be ashamed of being a man. Don’t let the culture convince you that your presence doesn’t matter or your leadership isn’t needed.
Be strong—but gentle.
Be firm—but gracious.
Be humble—but courageous.
And love your family with everything you’ve got.
Not as a tyrant.
But as a man.
Happy Father’s Day.
Thank you for Reading!
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I agree Pastor.