What Does the Bible Say About Identity, Sex, Marriage, and Family?

I don’t want to write this article. Why? Because these issues are steeped in pain, controversy, and confusion. And our society (and I’m speaking of western, especially American, society) is so impassioned and polarized over these matters that wading into these waters is practically a guarantee of drowning or being swarmed with sharks.

For the five or so people out there in our world genuinely open to learning what the Bible says about these matters, I offer this article in the spirit of love and humility.

What does the Bible say about love, sex, marriage, family, and gender identity? Well, here are three key passages:

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.(Genesis 1:26-28, KJV)
And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:20-25, KJV)
The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:3-6, KJV — also see Mark 10:2-9)

The above passages are foundational to any understanding of these issues. Why? Because they point to God’s design BEFORE the fall of Man in the Garden of Eden.

Don’t miss that point!

When the subjects of sex, gender, identity, etc. come up, people will often ridicule any suggestion there is a “biblical model” or “biblical standard” for marriage. They’ll point to Solomon’s 700 wives and 300 concubines or to the Mosaic Law’s regulations concerning the marriage of war prisoners. They’ll scoff at all the drama and inconsistencies of so many of God’s supposed followers in the Bible.

In so doing, they affirm what no sensible person denies, which is…

Life is messy.

Ever since Adam and Eve fell into sin in the Garden of Eden, everything has been a mess. This world is a mess. And we’re a mess.

But when it comes to understanding God’s original design, you must look to the Garden of Eden.

Then, you must recognize that the Bible doesn’t endorse everything it reports. Yes, Solomon had 700 wives but, in so doing, he broke God’s law (see Deuteronomy 17:17)! The standard is one man and one woman. And we see that standard quite clearly in the Garden of Eden.

It’s interesting that, in Matthew 19 (and Mark 10), Jesus is asked about divorce. And He points back to the Garden of Eden as the standard for marriage. When asked why Moses allowed for divorce, Jesus answered, “Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” (see Matthew 19:8).

In other words… Moses allowed divorce because of hardened, sinful hearts. There are, in fact, several (what could be called) concessions that God makes to fallen mankind in the Bible. But, as Jesus said, “from the beginning, it was not so.”

We live in a messy world –one that sits on the timeline between Eden (see Genesis 1-2) and “the new heaven and the new earth” (see Revelation 21:1).

Don’t look at the Bible’s record of sins, exceptions, concessions, and allowances — and extrapolate some kind of model or standard from them. If you want God’s model or standard, look at the beginning:

God made one man (Adam) and one woman (Eve)
They were (before sin) naked and unashamed
They were considered “one flesh” before the Lord (and it was definitely a til-death arrangement)
God told them to “be fruitful and multiply” (thus we have sexual intimacy from the beginning)
This was the First Couple — from which God would populate the world

This is the standard we are supposed to strive for in our marriages and families:

Marriage is one man and one woman fully committed in love to one another
There is to be full sexual intimacy, emotional openness, and total trust with and in one another in that marriage
If this marital union is blessed with children, they are to be brought up in the context of this loving, committed, and safe marital structure

Oh, and when it comes to sex…

Keep it within marriage (see Hebrews 13:4).

Now before you roll your eyes and mock that standard, consider how many modern-day problems would go away if we all faithfully adhered to this model. Such a standard has no place for abuse, rape, sexual harassment, adultery, or any host of other sex-related sins that have hurt or even devastated so many people over the years.

God doesn’t put restrictions on sex because He’s against sex. It was His idea. He puts standards on sex because it is an extremely powerful activity and impulse that has the capacity to both comfort and destroy.

I heard one Christian author say that sex is like fire. In your fireplace, it warms you. Outside of your fireplace, it can burn down your house.

And before you jump up and down about ‘patriarchy’ or any of that, God’s standard doesn’t allow for any mistreatment or oppression. Yes, the Bible says wives are to “submit” to their husbands, but the same Bible urges husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church,” to honor their wives, to not be bitter against their wives, and to treat them with gentleness (see Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and I Peter 3).

Look again to the Garden of Eden. God’s standard for marriage is oneness where both the husband and wife are loved and valued by each other.

Even if you have very strong feelings against what the Bible has to say about love, sex, marriage, and family, you can’t possibly argue that the troubled reality in which we live today is optimal. I will hold up God’s ways against the world’s ways any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

The closer we are to God, the less confused we are and the more at peace we are. God’s ways remain the best ways.

But even if you quibble with some (or most) of what I’m saying…

It doesn’t take a theologian or rocket scientist to read the Bible and see that God DOES have clear standards on marriage, family, and sexuality. As a Bible-believing Christian, I obviously accept the teachings of the Bible on these and other matters. And I strive to preach and teach those standards — to the best of my ability.

But I also recognize we are all imperfect and we all fall short of God’s glory.

I don’t consider myself better than anyone else. I don’t believe I have the right to look down my nose in personal judgment on other people who deviate from the above standards. I am an imperfect person who has quite often let God down and let down the people in my life. I’m not the standard. And I’m not your boss.

Ultimately, we are all accountable to God. And it’s my goal to simply point people to God’s standards. I leave the work of the Holy Spirit to…well… the Holy Spirit.

Unfortunately, many Christians can be quite harsh and condescending –and sometimes unloving — toward those they believe are guilty of sexual sin. And yet I see God, in the Old Testament, loving and forgiving and patiently working with men and women who were guilty of bigamy, polygamy, adultery, prostitution, and more. This isn’t to say that God didn’t hold people accountable for their sins or that there weren’t consequences. I’m simply pointing out that God didn’t turn His back on them.

God is merciful and gracious. And sadly, God’s followers are often (dare I say typically) much less merciful or gracious than the God we claim to follow.

I believe we must love one another in spite of any failings or disagreements — on these or other matters. Jesus says “Love your neighbor,” and I believe that means I should love my atheist neighbor, Jewish neighbor, Muslim neighbor, trans neighbor, gay neighbor, divorced neighbor, liberal neighbor, conservative neighbor, and so forth. And I strive to do just that.

Of course, we must all acknowledge that love and agreement are not the same. Neither is love and affirmation. I can love someone and disagree with that person. I can love someone and disapprove of that person’s choices.

The same of course is true for God — who loved us while we were yet sinners! (See Romans 5:8).

Even though this is a pastoral blog, I want to add that, as an American, I believe in the freedom of conscience and the free exercise of religion for every person. I do not want the U.S. government to impose any kind of religious orthodoxy on American citizens. Therefore, I do not expect everyone to agree with me on matters of religion, and that’s okay.

Ultimately, we are all responsible to God primarily (and then to each other secondarily) for our beliefs, attitudes, choices, and actions. And I want only what is best for you, and I hope you feel the same about me –and everyone else in your life.

I believe in your freedom of conscience, your freedom of speech, and your religious freedom. And I will not (and do not) seek to (in any way) harm you, marginalize you, or ostracize you if you believe differently from me. I will not try to cancel you. And I will not ridicule you, disparage you, slander you, or malign you because you disagree with me.

I hope you feel the same about me.

But… in saying that… I do believe that what is best for you is to seek the face of God and pursue His will for your life. And that is what I hope you will do.

The choice is yours.

God bless you.

Recommendations for further reading:

The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller

How (Not) to Read the Bible: Making Sense of the Anti-women, Anti-science, Pro-violence, Pro-slavery and Other Crazy-Sounding Parts of Scripture by Dan Kimball