The American church is in decline. Two years ago, it was reported that church membership in the U.S. had fallen below 50 percent for the first time in eight decades (basically when Gallup started tracking it). Most teenagers drop out of church after graduating high school. A great many don’t return. So, the aging church population isn’t really being replaced.
Why is this happening?
There are many reasons. I want to focus on one. And that is…
Many people leave church because they’ve been hurt in church or hurt by the church.
This itself could be broken into several categories, such as those hurt by abusive church leaders. I will save the issue of abuse for another article. For now, let’s focus on more common causes of church hurt, which can be boiled down to…
Christians hurt each other in the local church through conflicts, misunderstandings, unmet needs or expectations, and unresolved disagreements — and have been doing so throughout church history.
The fact that these hurts are common and they’ve been happening throughout history doesn’t change the fact that people are hurt. And sometimes deeply.
If you’ve been hurt in church, I want to convey to you my sympathy and an acknowledgment that church hurt is a painful hurt. And my prayer is you are able to get the healing and peace you need.
The fact that church hurt is common also doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the reasons the American church is in decline.
We can’t eliminate all conflicts or problems. After all, we live in a fallen world full of imperfect, sinful people. If Jesus’ disciples were in conflict, if Paul and Barnabas had a conflict, what hope do we have?
Churches will have conflict.
But that doesn’t mean churches need to be combative, unfriendly, or toxic.
Unfortunately, many churches can be described as one or more of those things. And it’s often because those churches don’t properly handle conflict.
Let’s step back and understand why there is conflict between church members.
People who love God and who care about church are ipso facto emotionally invested in their church.
Read that again. Remember it. Meditate on it. When people care about their church and are committed to it (and we pastors want that, don’t we?), they are emotionally invested in that church. And that means…
Church people bring all their emotions into their church family.
Pastors need to be aware of this and able to effectively navigate, manage, and minister to all the personalities, relationships, and emotions of the members and families in their church family.
For the record, at the time of this writing :-), I’m not serving a “toxic” or “combative” church. I am blessed.
Nevertheless, I still periodically have to deal with some serious issues or crises. And even apart from those situations, and in spite of our church being relatively healthy, I’m always managing needs, requests, personalities, communication channels, agendas, expectations, and so forth. And I continually have to attend to complaints, conflicts, misunderstandings, etc. Some directly pertain to me. Many don’t. But if they are church-related, I generally need to be on top of them — or at least aware of them. If you don’t believe this is the domain of the pastor, see I Peter 5:1-4, I Thessalonians 5:12-13, and Hebrews 13:17.
It’s the nature of pastoral ministry.
And it’s why pastors need other elders and deacons as well as understanding and supportive church members in general. And lots of prayer. And patience.
But I digress. 🙂
Getting back to the main point. People invest themselves emotionally in church. They are coming from different perspectives and backgrounds. They bring different needs and interests. And they have different levels of emotional, mental, and physical health. And different levels of spiritual maturity and biblical literacy.
And on top of all that… church members are all imperfect, sinful human beings. So…
People do get hurt in church. They get hurt when:
- conflicts erupt
- they are misunderstood
- when people are rude
- when they’re dumped from or left out of friend groups
- when they lose friends
- when their needs aren’t met
- when they feel slighted or ignored
- when they sense or perceive favoritism
- when they don’t get their way
- and so on and so forth.
Some of this can’t be avoided. We won’t always get our way. We won’t always click with everyone. There will sometimes be misunderstandings. And on and on. But…
What Paul says in his letter to the church in Thessalonica covers it all.
As he wraps up his first letter, he talks about the rapture and then encourages the believers to “comfort yourselves together” and “edify one another” in the knowledge that the Lord is coming again.
Then, he ends with a series of exhortations. Read these exhortations from I Thessalonians 5 in the context of the local church:
12 And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you;
13 And to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves.
14 Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.
15 See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.
16 Rejoice evermore.
17 Pray without ceasing.
18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
19 Quench not the Spirit.
20 Despise not prophesyings.
21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
I would submit the following…
All churches have conflicts because all churches consist of people. And we are still on THIS side of eternity. We’re still on THIS side of the Lord’s return. So, we live in a world of sin. We’re going to have problems. But…
Churches become combative, unfriendly, dysfunctional, and toxic when they don’t follow these exhortations from Paul.
Church members (individually and collectively) need to:
- Recognize and “esteem” our church leaders
- Be at peace with each other
- Warn fellow church members who are “unruly” (or rebellious)
- Comfort those who are emotionally fragile or wounded
- Support those who are “weak” or struggling
- Be patient with one another
- Not retaliate against or try to get back at those who hurt us
- Pursue what is good
- Rejoice (renew our joy in worship) always and continually
- Pray continually and always
- Be thankful and always be expressing that gratitude
- Don’t “quench” (snuff out or stifle) the Holy Spirit’s work in our hearts or in our church fellowship
- Don’t diminish, scorn, condemn, dismiss, or downplay the importance of the preaching and teaching of God’s word–the Scriptures being prophecy
- Test truth claims (including claims from the pulpit) and then hold onto (cling onto) that which is good (that which passes the test)
- Stay away from evil (including even the appearance of evil)
If all Christians in all our churches did those things, can you imagine the revival we would have?
I can tell you this…
Churches that consistently practice these exhortations are the ones that truly glorify God, serve their members, and advance our Lord’s kingdom.
May we all commit to making sure our church is that kind of church.
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