The Book of Proverbs is the greatest collection of wisdom ever put to paper (or…originally, papyrus or parchment). If you want to enjoy a strong, healthy, and happy marriage, you would do well to regularly read and study the Book of Proverbs and incorporate its divinely inspired wisdom into your life and home.
I’ve selected 17 (seventeen) passages from Proverbs and have applied them to marriage. I easily could have selected 117. For this reason, I encourage you to read through Proverbs yourself (and with your spouse) — and see what other verses or passages speak to you.
It should also be noted that, in most cases, the proverbs I’ve listed below don’t just apply to marriage. They apply to many aspects of our lives, but for this article, I’ve chosen to focus the application on marriage.
Here we go…
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
-Proverbs 4:7
Marriage involves the merging of two imperfect people (with different backgrounds, perspectives, opinions, preferences, personalities, and so on) into one household. You need wisdom! Indeed, you need it so much that you should consider the acquisition of wisdom to be the “principal” priority in your life — practically speaking. Get wisdom. Your marriage depends on it.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
-Proverbs 4:23
When Jesus was asked about divorce, He explained that Moses granted divorce “because of the hardness of your hearts” (see Matthew 19:8-9). Marriages fail today for much the same reason: the hardness of hearts. One of the best ways to sabotage your marriage is to harden your heart.
If you want to maintain a loving marriage, you must keep (or guard) your heart “with all diligence.” It takes work — consistent, hard work — to “keep your heart” or “guard your heart.” But the quality of your life –and the success of your marriage — depends on your doing so.
Wise men lay up knowledge: but the mouth of the foolish is near destruction.
-Proverbs 10:14
If you are a wise person, then you are a continual learner. If you’re not a continual learner, then you are NOT a wise person. If you’re content to not be wise, then you’re a fool. I know that’s blunt but that’s exactly what Solomon is saying in Proverbs 10:14.
What’s more, Solomon adds that people who run their mouth — that is, when those people don’t take the time to understand what they’re talking about — are “near destruction.” In other words, they are headed for destruction and those who listen to them are headed for destruction.
Have you ever noticed that wise people say little while ignorant and foolish people say much?
Solomon noticed that too.
Let’s apply this to marriage…
If you want to be a wise husband or wise wife, you will be a continual learner. You will commit to learning about God, marriage, your spouse, and yourself. And you will continually study how you can be better.
Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm.
-Proverbs 3:30
This is great advice all around. It’s basically Solomon saying “Pick your battles.” In fact, he’s really saying “Pick only the absolutely necessary battles.” Don’t add unnecessary drama to your life or to your home. Life is too short for that kind of drama.
There will be times when you have to confront people (including your spouse) and risk conflict in order to get to a healthy and proper resolution, but there are also times when you can (and should) avoid conflict. This is especially the case when the other party — in our context for this article, your spouse — has not done you any harm.
Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.
-Proverbs 10:12
In this verse, Solomon warns that שִׂנְאָה (sin’ah) stirs up conflict. When שִׂנְאָה (sin’ah) is present, it results in intense dislike or ill will. When you harbor שִׂנְאָה (sin’ah) toward someone, you want nothing to do with that person and you generally want bad for that person.
Before you protest “I don’t hate my spouse. I just–” Stop! Do you harbor bitterness toward your spouse? Resentment? Contempt? Intense dislike? All of that is in view with this proverb.
Even taking a step down from hatred, consider the effect negative emotions have on conflict. You’ll find that the more dislike, frustration, or annoyance you have toward your spouse, the more your spouse’s faults, flaws, or transgressions will be magnified in your mind.
By contrast, the more you love your spouse, the more you will overlook and/or show grace for his or her flaws, faults, and transgressions.
Important Side Note: This verse isn’t against accountability. You have an obligation to do right by your spouse and your family in general.
Important Side Note #2: If you are the victim of egregious sins (such as abuse, infidelity, etc.), you need to get help. Seeking out appropriate intervention, setting boundaries, and/or taking steps to protect yourself or your children are acts of love. Get the help you need.
He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
-Proverbs 14:29
Fools fly off the handle. Fools are driven by their temper. Fools have little control over their emotions. Fools rage and scorn and ridicule.
By contrast, wise people are “slow to wrath.”
Which are you?
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
-Proverbs 15:1
Conflict is part of life and it’s part of marriage. So, it will happen from time to time. Expect it. Count on it. The important issue is…
What do you do with that conflict?
Do you escalate it or de-escalate it?
If you wish to de-escalate and reduce conflict in your home, discipline yourself to speak softly. This doesn’t just mean to speak in a low volume. It means to take the edge out of your words too. You can chop someone to pieces with your words — even while keeping your voice at a low volume. So, when Solomon talks about a “soft answer,” he means more than just a low-volume answer.
You can choose to make your words feathers or knives.
It comes down to a simple question…
Do you want to hurt your spouse? If the answer is yes, you need to reexamine your heart.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
-Proverbs 31:10-12
This famous passage praises virtuous wives. Sadly, in our age of cynicism, easy offense, and perpetual outrage, Proverbs 31 is sometimes seen as condescending toward women or even as misogynistic. If this passage strikes you in that spirit, may I suggest that you need to reexamine your worldview? As Paul the Apostle says, do “not be conformed to this world” (see Romans 12:1-2).
Assuming you’ve not been corrupted by this world and can see Proverbs 31 in the positive light it deserves to be read…
The entire passage is a lesson on what men (in particular) should desire in a marriage. They should not be shallow or chase vanity. They should look for a wife characterized by virtue and integrity – a wife they can trust with their heart.
If you’re tempted to think that only women are held to this standard of virtue and men can live however they want, then you haven’t read the rest of the Book of Proverbs, nor have you read what Paul and Peter say specifically to husbands in the New Testament! Besides…
It takes a virtuous man to seek out a virtuous woman.
When two virtuous people marry each other, it’s what we call a “win-win.”
A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.
-Proverbs 11:13
When it comes to the issue of trust, your spouse should be able to trust you with all of his or her secrets.
Each person has pain in their past, struggles in their present, and parts of their life they would like kept secret. You should be able to trust your spouse with these secrets. And he or she should be able to likewise trust you.
Don’t be the spouse who blabs the secrets of your wife or husband or marriage to others. Be worthy of your spouse’s trust and your spouse’s heart.
Your spouse should be able to be completely open and vulnerable with you — without fear that you will expose them to others. That is the foundation of true intimacy.
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
-Proverbs 10:19
Just because something comes into your mind doesn’t mean it should come out of your mouth. Know when to speak and when to close your mouth.
This may seem contradictory to the previous point about intimacy within marriage but it’s not. You shouldn’t have a secret life from your spouse, nor should you have secret burdens. But…
You don’t need to air all your opinions, preferences, or emotions all the time. And when you do need to share some things on your mind, you can do so with a filter.
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
-Proverbs 14:1
This proverb was originally written with women in mind as it was written at a time and in a culture when wives managed the home. This is true still in many situations but obviously, not as much as was the case in Israel in 1000 BC.
This proverb can today be applied to anyone with management responsibilities in the home — be it the husband or wife or both. And here’s the application…
Don’t let laziness, selfishness, anger, disappointment, the desire for revenge, sin, or any such thing cause you to tear down your home. You should be in the business of building up your home, not tearing it down.
The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.
-Proverbs 11:25
According to Solomon, the בְּרָכָה (berakhah) soul “shall be made fat.” Obviously, Solomon isn’t literally commending obesity. He’s saying that a person with a בְּרָכָה (berakhah) soul will overflow with blessings.
The term בְּרָכָה (berakhah) is translated as “liberal” in the King James Version and “generous” in the New King James Version.
What Solomon is saying is that, if you want to overflow with blessings, you should be the person who blesses others generously or liberally.
Applying this to marriage…
If you want to enjoy blessings in marriage, bless your spouse. Not as a direct quid pro quo but by BECOMING and REMAINING a generous soul. Don’t focus on what you will get. Focus on what you give. And then, Solomon promises, at some point, you yourself will be blessed.
Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant. But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.
-Proverbs 9:17-18
There are a few layers of meaning to this proverb. I encourage you to read all of Proverbs 9 — really the whole Book of Proverbs, but Proverbs 9 in particular to get a better idea of context for this passage. In Proverbs 9, Solomon talks about two women. The first is a personification of Wisdom, the second is a personification of Folly.
Folly offers pleasure, fun, and even excitement. Wisdom promises great rewards, particularly in the long term, but requires patience, perseverance, and delayed gratification. Throughout the entire Book of Proverbs, Solomon encourages his readers to pursue the latter. But…
By the end of the chapter, he laments that many heed the voice of folly and seek her out because “stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.”
If we want a fulfilling marriage, pursue wisdom and honor. Don’t let yourself be seduced by the lure of short-term pleasure, excitement, or drama (including what you look at online, watch on TV, or the people you hang out with) — and wind up “in the depths of hell.”
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.
-Proverbs 5:15
To understand the full context, you need to read Proverbs 5, which is Solomon giving candid advice to his son (likely Rehoboam) on marriage and infidelity. When you understand that context, then you know Solomon isn’t really talking about water and wells. He’s using these things as a metaphor. He’s talking about sex.
Sex is a big deal.
And Solomon is saying that a husband should fulfill his sexual desires within the context of his marriage — and not seek it outside of marriage.
Now, again, in our unfortunate Age of Easy Offense and Knee-Jerk Outrage, some readers today will recoil at this idea, condemning the sexism and the “objectification” of women. That is not the intent of this passage!!!
When you’re reading Proverbs 5, you have the privilege of reading a father’s advice to his son. Read it in that spirit. If only more men gave such candid advice to their sons today!
Obviously, a mother’s candid advice to her daughter would be worded differently, but… it would be similar. At least if we’re talking about a God-honoring woman advising her daughter. I say that because…
The principles of Proverbs 5 apply to both husbands and wives.
We are sexual beings. If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be a human race. God wired sexual desire into the human race so that children would be brought into this world through marriage. Yes, it’s of course possible for children to be born outside of marriage but this was never God’s plan (see Genesis 1 and 2). Indeed, the idea of seeking sexual gratification outside of marriage is precisely what Solomon is warning his son against.
Now, Solomon was human. He was a sinner. And, as such, he sinned — in his case, he sinned by multiplying wives (a clear violation of God’s original plan in Genesis and also the Torah – see Deuteronomy 17:17). So, Solomon is not perfect. He sinned himself. But this doesn’t negate the wisdom of what he says to his son in Proverbs 5.
Bottom line: Husbands and wives are to fulfill their sexual needs and desires in full intimacy within marriage. They are to “drink water” from their own “cistern.” They are not to step outside their marriage. When they do, they bring only trouble upon their marriage and themselves.
Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.
-Proverbs 20:1
If you want to sabotage your marriage, drunkenness can do it. So can drugs or any such addiction, but the most common addiction in Solomon’s day was drunkenness.
In this proverb, Solomon warns that “wine is a mocker.” He’s of course referring to fermented wine — alcoholic wine. And he calls it a mocker. Think of wine mocking you with words like:
- “I don’t bite.”
- “You can handle me.”
- “Just one more won’t hurt.”
- You get the idea — wine is a “mocker”
What Solomon calls “strong drink” was any alcoholic beverage other than wine. In biblical times, fermented wine was the most popular alcoholic beverage of choice in the Ancient Near East. But beer was also somewhat common, and Solomon definitely had that in mind when he said “strong drink.” The application today would obviously be any alcoholic beverage.
He says that alcoholic beverages are “raging.” They represent drama, anger, turbulence, conflict, destruction.
And then he concludes this proverb by saying anyone who falls for wine or strong drink is “not wise.” That’s the kind way of saying foolish.
My advice is to abstain from alcohol completely. Don’t bring it into your home. I know there are many Christians who disagree with me on that. I can make a strong argument from Scripture that the alcohol we drink today is NOT what Paul was referring to when he encouraged Timothy to “have a little wine” for the sake of his stomach (see I Timothy 5:23), but I’ll save that for another article. For now, I’ll simply say this…
If you want a healthy marriage, say no to drunkenness or any dependency whatsoever on alcohol!
The same principle applies to drugs.
Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.
-Proverbs 13:10
Pride isn’t just bragging or thinking you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Pride comes down to how much importance you place on yourself. It really comes down to how much you think about yourself — your wants, your needs, you period.
This isn’t to say that you should be a doormat. I’m not saying you shouldn’t communicate your legitimate needs or that you should let your spouse take advantage of you or be abusive towards you. I’m not saying anything of the sort. But these words from Paul come to mind…
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Philippians 2:3-4, KJV
Pride is doing the exact opposite of what Paul says. Pride is looking out solely or primarily for your ego, your interests, your desires, your happiness — and putting everyone else second. By contrast, someone who is mindful of his own needs but esteems his wife better than himself is a man of humility. Such a man doesn’t just look out for his own interests (or “things”) but looks out for the needs and interests of his wife. That’s humility.
As the great Christian writer said of pride’s opposite: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” Want a healthy marriage? Think of yourself less.
He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.
-Proverbs 11:29
Do you bring trouble on your house? The Hebrew word behind “troubleth” is derived from the root עכר (akar). This verb means to disturb, trouble, or ruin. It implies causing disruption or harm. This can be done through abuse, neglect, addictions, harshness, negativity, withholding love and affection, and so forth. It can be done via sins of commission or omission. And the consequences?
This metaphor suggests that one who causes trouble in his own family will gain nothing of real value. Just as the wind is intangible and ungraspable, so will be the outcome of their actions. It implies futility and the absence of real, lasting rewards.
Do not bring trouble to your marriage or into your house. Be someone who instead injects faith, hope, and love into your family.
I hope these proverbs have encouraged you. I hope they will encourage you to read the entire Book of Proverbs. It’s well worth your time.
Your marriage is worth it.
God bless you!
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