Winston Churchill was famous for many things, including his biting wit. He had an ongoing feud and mutually disparaging banter with Nancy Astor (aka Lady Astor), a British politician who was incidentally the first female Member of Parliament. One of their most famous exchanges reportedly went as follows:
Astor: “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it!”
There is some dispute as to whether this famous exchange ever actually happened or (if it did) whether Churchill was the one who responded with the insult. But…
It’s certainly memorable and admittedly humorous.
It also points to something true. Many spouses do drink poison in their marriage. They drink the poison of bitterness and resentment. And this kind of poison will, in time, destroy any marriage. It could very well destroy both parties individually as well.
If you feel justified in your bitterness toward your wife or husband and are determined to defend it, there is probably little I can say to dissuade you. But if you’re a Christian, then let me appeal to the witness that the Holy Spirit is bearing with your spirit that you are a child of God (see Romans 8:16).
Will you, at least for the sake of the Holy Spirit, give me a few minutes of your time?
If you’re not going to listen to what the Bible says about marriage, then decide where you stand. If it’s against or apart from God, then at least stop causing your spouse and others in your life pain. If that means walking away from your marriage, then that’s what it means. But stop the pain. Stop the bitterness.
Assuming you’re still reading this, then let’s see what God has to say about your heart and your home.
One of the most famous verses in the Book of Proverbs is this…
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
Proverbs 4:23, KJV
I’m going to lay out point-by-point some principles and strategies that will help you remove the bitterness that may already be in your heart and that will likewise help you defend against any further bitterness seeping in.
Before we get there, let’s first understand where bitterness comes from. Psychological research suggests that bitterness in marriage often stems from unresolved conflicts, unfulfilled expectations, and a lack of effective communication. When couples fail to address their issues openly and honestly, resentment can build up over time, leading to feelings of bitterness and resentment.
Additionally, unmet needs, whether emotional, physical, or psychological, can contribute to bitterness, as one partner may feel neglected or unappreciated. Finally, past hurts or traumas that haven’t been properly processed can also play a role in the development of bitterness in a marriage.
Let’s also be clear what the Bible says about bitterness:
- “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32, KJV)
- “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15, KJV)
- “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” (Colossians 3:19, KJV)
So, we know why we get bitter and we know the Bible is against bitterness. Now what? Well, here are the principles that will remove and keep bitterness out of your heart.
- Your purpose in life isn’t to be happy. You are here for God’s glory and His joy, not yours. In this fallen world, you are to trust Him with your heart. It’s not that God is against you being happy, but if God takes you through a season (even an extended season) of suffering and pain, you are still to glorify Him and trust Him with your heart and for your happiness.
- It’s not your spouse’s job to make you happy. The Bible teaches that we are to seek joy from the Lord and find joy in His strength, not in other people. And that includes your spouse. Will God often use your spouse and other family members to encourage, bless, and strengthen you? Of course. Will you have happy times with your family? Of course. But don’t base your happiness on them. Base your identity, peace, and joy on the Lord.
- God is your first love, not your spouse. This is both foundational and crucial. Your relationship with God should always be most important, and you should make spending time — quantity and quality time — with God your highest priority. Only then can you draw strength, peace, and joy from Him and fully experience Him.
- Forgive your spouse — just as Christ forgave you. Read Ephesians 4:31-32 slowly. Meditate on it. Apply it to your marriage. Forgiveness doesn’t mean agreement, and it’s not the same as trust. But it will keep you tenderhearted. (Please note: If you’re the victim of harm or abuse, especially physical abuse, and especially if your life or welfare is at risk, remove yourself -and your kids – from the situation and get help. In that case, forgive — at a distance!)
- Pray without ceasing for your spouse and your marriage. You should be praying (and fasting) regularly for your wife or husband. Pray for your spouse’s heart, health, and all his or her needs. Pray for wisdom, grace, and strength for yourself. Pray for harmony and wholeness in your marriage. If you’re tempted to say that your prayers haven’t worked, then when and why did you stop praying? Be like Jacob. Wrestle with God and don’t let go until you get a blessing. Be like the widow who ceaselessly petitioned the unjust judge — remembering that Jesus held her up as an example of persistent prayer. Never stop praying. Never give up on prayer. Never!
- Guard against negative thought patterns. Bitterness often takes root in our minds first. When negative thoughts about your spouse arise, counter them with truth. Scripture encourages us to “take every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5). Replace bitter thoughts with truth and prayers.
- Don’t hurt your spouse. Stop causing your spouse pain. If there’s sin in your life that’s damaging your spouse, you get to do whatever it takes to stop causing pain. Also, no matter how wronged you feel, no matter how much your spouse may have hurt you, do not bear a grudge, seek retribution, or intentionally cause your spouse pain. While it’s true that (as a general rule) hurting people hurt people, you can (with God’s grace) let the cycle stop with you. Don’t hurt your spouse. As Paul says, “Overcome evil with good.”
- Store up knowledge and grow in wisdom. Read the Book of Proverbs…often and regularly. There is a lot in that book about love, marriage, sex, temptations, and matters of the heart. Read it. In addition, read Christian books about marriage and the family. Grow in knowledge and wisdom so you can be a more informed, more effective, and wiser husband to your wife or wife to your husband — and parent to your children.
- Focus on your spouse’s positives. Bitterness often grows when we fixate on what’s lacking or on faults. Intentionally look for the good in your spouse, thank God for those qualities, and express your gratitude to your spouse regularly — and genuinely.
- Seek gentle, honest conversations. While bitterness stems from misunderstandings, clear communication can bring healing. Practice speaking honestly but kindly, sharing your thoughts without blame or accusation.
- Listen to understand, not just to respond. Being quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19) is critical in marriage. Bitterness can fester when we don’t feel heard or validated; listening well opens doors for reconciliation.
- Consider your spouse’s needs – and whether you are helping to meet them. We get bitter when we focus on our unmet needs, but what about your spouse’s needs? Your spouse has needs and has intertwined her or his life with yours. When it comes to your spouse’s valid, legitimate, and reasonable needs, you may not be able to meet all of them — but you can do your part to meet many of them. And you should. Sacrifice is the currency of love.
- Reignite joy via shared activities. Sometimes, bitterness stems from simply drifting apart or feeling disconnected. Make time to have fun together, laugh, and create new memories. Schedule regular date nights or activities you both enjoy to strengthen the bond.
- Seek wise counsel. Virtually all marriages need wise counsel – whether it be from parents, family, mentors, friends, pastors, or trained therapists or counselors. If your marriage is “on the rocks” (so to speak), seek out wise counsel.
- Remember God’s Ultimate Purpose for Marriage. Viewing your marriage as part of God’s kingdom work can transform your perspective. Your marriage is a partnership that serves a bigger purpose—to reflect Christ’s love to the world. This mindset can keep bitterness in check as you strive for God’s glory, not your personal happiness.
Bookmark this article and refer back to it often if you need. But remember this…
I’m not offering a miracle formula here that will guarantee certain changes in your spouse. The standard of success, though, shouldn’t be that your spouse changes and that you are then happier. The standard of success is whether you are obeying and glorifying God – and whether your marriage magnifies the Lord.
God bless you and your family!
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