God is holy. Truth is absolute. The Bible is God-breathed and should be seen as authoritative over our lives. The church constitutes God’s family on earth. And should reflect our Lord. And yet…
People are sinful. Life is messy.
These facts–which are biblically indisputable–present the church with a serious dilemma.
How can the local church reflect both the holiness of God and the grace of God?
I grew up in a strict Baptist fundamentalist tradition that definitely believed in accountability and church discipline. I still remember (as a 12-year-old) being present in a church meeting (called for the purpose of church discipline) when the pastor publicly called out a female member of the congregation for having gotten pregnant outside of wedlock.
That’s the environment in which I grew up–an environment that not only preached strongly against premarital sex but also against Christians wearing shorts, going to the movies, listening to rock music (or any music with a beat), and… well…I could go on. But that’s for another article.
Suffice it to say for now that there was a heavy emphasis on standing against sin and calling people out who sinned. Depending, that is, on the sin. Even, as a teenager, I began to notice some inconsistencies when it came to accountability.
This emphasis (one that permeated the Christian school I attended at the time too) left me with an incomplete and skewed understanding of God.
Especially the grace of God.
Okay, now before we go further. Let me back up and say this: I’m not emphasizing love, grace, or mercy at the expense of truth. I’m saying BOTH grace and truth are important.
Come to think of it, I’m not the only one who has thought that. Here’s King Solomon…
Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. (Proverbs 3:3-4, KJV)
See that? Mercy AND Truth. Both are to be bound around your neck and written on the table of your heart. That means your life (and the life of your church) must reflect that balance.
Let’s get back to that woman who was called out for being pregnant out of wedlock. The biblical truth is that sex is reserved for marriage. That’s the truth. And therefore…
Should the pastor have had a conversation with her privately? I think so. Probably with his wife or another godly woman in the church present, but a private conversation would have been not only appropriate but called for.
Pastors have a responsibility to watch over the souls of the people in their care (see Hebrews 13:17). Pastors are shepherds after all. They are to watch over their flock (see I Peter 5:1-2). Therefore, if I’m in a church and I get off track and no one –not the pastor, not an associate pastor, not a deacon — says anything to me about it, I’m going to wonder how much they really care about me.
I know we live in a culture today that says sex outside of marriage is okay. And those of us who think it’s wrong are the problem. But the Bible is clear.
Not only that but if you pay attention to what the culture says about sex, you’ll see there are mixed messages. On the one hand, we’re all supposed to be sex-positive. We’re supposed to be inclusive and non-judgmental. We’re supposed to be affirming of people’s choices and all that. But, at the same time, we’re reminded continually that sex should be consensual (I agree) and safe (again, I agree). And many (not all, but many) will say it should be an expression of love (and I totally agree).
Now what does that sound like?
Think about it.
Ponder it.
I’ll wait.
Hmmmm.
Doesn’t that sound like…
What’s the word….?
Marriage!?
Sex that is consensual, safe, and in the context of love — yeah, that sounds like marital sex to me!
Or at least that sounds like the sex envisioned by God.
I realize that there are marriages that aren’t safe. I get it. And those marriages have themselves deviated from God’s standard. They are no longer reflective of the marriage that God calls for.
A God-pleasing marriage is one in which the “marriage bed” is “undefiled” (see Hebrews 13:4). No hate. No resentment. No abuse. No mistreatment. It’s a committed relationship in which the husband and wife love each other and can be trusting and fully transparent with one another. That is intimacy. That is pleasing to God.
Marriage isn’t some arbitrary, pointless “rule” that God placed on mankind to limit our fun. On the contrary, marriage is like the guardrails of a bridge. It provides boundaries within which we can (and should) experience loving intimacy with a soulmate who has given her or his life to us and who we can fully trust.
If you have sex with someone to whom you are not married, you are giving your body to someone who has not made a lifelong commitment to you. At the very least, you have to acknowledge you’re taking a risk with your body and your heart. You also have to acknowledge—if you’re honest—that you are devaluing God’s gift. Remember, sex was His idea. Not yours.
So…if you’re not married, you shouldn’t have sex. That’s not God trying to make life difficult for you. On the contrary, that’s God looking out for you.
Now, having said all that…
Let’s look at the biblical record, shall we?
Did Abraham and Sarah not devalue marriage and sex when they brought Hagar into Abraham’s bed? What about Hannah (Samuel’s mother) who shared a husband with another woman? Did David not devalue marriage and sex when he took multiple wives –and then later committed adultery? Did not Solomon when he married 700 women and took 300 concubines?
Please note that God worked with these men and women, even though they sinned. He still communicated with them–often while they were in dysfunctional sexual or familial situations. David wrote some of his most beautiful psalms while he was a polygamist! Some of them he wrote after he committed adultery and murder!?
Were there consequences for their sins? Yes. And they could have avoided those consequences had they done things God’s way. But God still loved them. The church needs to reflect God’s love.
All this is just about sexual sin. There are, of course, many other sins. The church should take a stand against all sin. Whether we’re talking about adultery, extramarital sex, polygamy, dishonesty, hate, bigotry, racism, greed, addictions, self-centeredness, or whatever…
We should be anti-sin and pro-holiness.
Nevertheless…
This idea that we should have a zero-tolerance policy for any sinful person in the church–including any person guilty of sexual sin–does not reflect the mercy and grace that God Himself showed His people in the Bible.
Again, I’m not saying we should endorse sin. I’m saying we need to be gracious and merciful.
Many years ago, I read a statistic that said many women who get abortions are churchgoing Christian women. Why? Because they–or their parents–are too embarrassed to admit their sin to their Christian friends and family. They don’t want to be seen by the church. So, they get rid of the evidence of their sin.
That broke my heart.
I also read a testimony of a young lady who herself almost had an abortion for this very reason! And I said to myself right then and there…I don’t want the church I serve as pastor to be that kind of church!
Let me say it plainly! I have a lot more respect for a woman who gets pregnant outside of marriage and chooses to keep her baby and embrace her responsibility than I do for the man who got her pregnant and takes off. It isn’t even close!
I want to be the kind of pastor who preaches the truth and--at the same time!!–cultivates a spirit of love and grace in the congregation. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God! And, in our Christian walk, we all sometimes are going to take three steps forward and two steps back.
Church discipline, in my judgment, should be reserved for those church members who continue in open rebellion before God, who refuse to accept any accountability, and who are harming others in the church or undermining the unity or testimony of the church. Otherwise, we work with church members who fall to temptation, not against them.
Let me say that again…
I want to work WITH the people I am honored to pastor. Not against them.
If a church member messes up (or is messing up), but that church member is willing to work with me (or other leaders in the church) as I do my best to help them, I’m not going to publicly shame them or drive them out of the congregation.
This person may need to step away from a leadership position for a season, but so long as they are seeking God’s face, I want to be a part of that. I want to help them, not hinder them.
It’s a balance. I don’t always get it right. Churches don’t always get it right. In fact, churches mess this up quite often. We’re human. And life is messy.
But, if I am to err, I want to err on the side of mercy, grace, and love.
God bless you!
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