How to Talk With Your Kids About Death

In the summer of 1976, my dad sat me on his knee and told me the news that Nee-Nee had passed away. Nee-Nee was my paternal grandmother. Dad opened the Bible to the Gospel of John and read the following words of Jesus to me:

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know. Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way? Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
John 14:1-6, KJV

Looking back, this was probably as hard for Dad as for me (if not harder – it was his mother who had passed), but Dad knew Nee-Nee and I were close. And he knew that my 7-year-old heart needed some comfort and encouragement.

Death is a difficult thing for adults to grasp – let alone children. And yet death is a reality of life. We all must face it (for ourselves and our loved ones). And parents will be called upon to make sense of it to their children.

Let me, first of all, say that, while I hope this short blog post will assist you in having important and helpful conversations with your children, you may need to talk with a grief counselor or family therapist depending on your situation. Sometimes, we (and our kids) may need professional help.

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

You must also give yourself permission to grieve, and it’s okay for your kids to see you grieve. As Queen Elizabeth once said: “Tears are the price of love.” God gave us tears, and it’s okay for your kids to see you cry. It helps them validate their own tears and it lets them know you valued your relationship with the one who has passed – or is nearing the end of their journey.

It’s good to be strong, but even Jesus wept (see John 11:35). Are you stronger than Jesus?

You won’t be able to adequately help your family process their grief if you resist your own.

And if you need guidance on how to grieve, I once again encourage you to seek out a good Christian grief counselor or at least a support group (formal or informal) of wise Christians who have been down similar roads themselves.

In fact, getting with a support group is probably a good idea even if you feel you’re on top of things. Remember, “in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14, 24:6).

Give Your Children Permission to Grieve

When a person dies, we lose access to that person. And when it comes to someone who has been a big part of your child’s life, that warrants grief.

In Paul’s letter to the church in Rome, he says: “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep” (Romans 12:15, KJV). Paul is focused on relationships in the body of Christ – especially the local church – but what Paul says about our spiritual family most assuredly should also apply (if not more so) to our literal family.

Tears are appropriate. And your child needs to know that their home – and their relationship with you – is a safe space for their grief and tears.

Remember, of course, that people (including kids) grieve in different ways. Don’t pressure your children to grieve a certain way. Help them grieve in a constructive and healthy manner, but give some latitude and grace in how they grieve. Everyone grieves in their own way.

Make Sure You Understand Death

It’s important to understand death yourself before you try to explain it to a child. You don’t have to be a medical expert, but you should understand the basics. So…what is death?

Merriam-Webster defines death as “the irreversible cessation of all vital functions especially as indicated by permanent stoppage of the heart, respiration, and brain activity.”

At some point, all physical organisms experience this. We don’t live forever. And gently explaining this mortal reality to children is important. No one lives forever. Life is indeed fragile. We don’t know how long we have. Some live to 100. Others don’t make it out of infancy. We don’t know how long we have. Only God does.

Understanding mortality is a foundational step to grasping reality.

Of course, this describes death as it relates to the physical, but what about the metaphysical? What about the spiritual or supernatural side of reality?

Anyone who studies theology knows that we could climb down a deep, deep rabbit hole — more like a huge chasm – when it comes to those questions. I’m going to keep it as simple as possible since we’re talking about explaining death to kids. But I will include some suggested resources at the end of this post if you wish to delve into this topic further.

Death involves separation and transition.

In the Creation narrative, God “formed man of the dust of the ground,” but Adam did not become alive until God “breathed into his nostrils the breath of life.” It was then that “man became a living soul” (Genesis 2:7, KJV).

In his epistle, James writes: “For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also” (James 2:26, KJV). The main point James is making is about the integrated nature of faith and works, but note the parallel example he gives. James says that a “body without the spirit is dead.”

There is a debate in Christian circles as to whether the soul and the spirit are distinct. For the purposes of this article, and in order to keep things simple, I will not make a distinction. If you want to dive into that issue, check out “Do we have two or three parts?” at GotQuestions.org.

The bottom line is that, without our spirit (or soul and spirit), we are lifeless.

Death is the separation of the soul/spirit (or soul and spirit) from the body.

And where does our soul/spirit go?

The writer of Ecclesiastes (most likely an aging King Solomon) speaks of death this way: “Then shall the dust return to the earth as it was: and the spirit shall return unto God who gave it” (Ecclesiastes 12:7, KJV).

Emphasize God’s Love and Grace

In the book of Hebrews, we’re told the following: “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27, KJV).

Depending on that judgment, the person goes to heaven or hell. This of course is merely the intermediate judgment. The book of Revelation talks of a final judgment, but…

You don’t need to get into all that with your children — especially young children. While I believe it’s important we talk about the justice and judgment of God, these subjects need to be handled with delicacy and with wisdom when it comes to children.

The Bible strongly indicates a state of grace for children. For this reason, there’s no need to scare kids or frighten them with images of hell. Churches have gotten a bad (and, in many cases, a well-deserved) rap for emotionally traumatizing kids with images of fire and brimstone. It is unhealthy and unnecessary to scare kids, so don’t do it.

Teach your kids to trust in God’s love and His grace. Teach your kids to worship God, love God, and have faith in Him.

When they get older and more mature, they can learn more theology.

Keep in mind that, when Ezra read the Law to the people of Jerusalem (as part of their recommitment to their covenant with the Lord), he did so “before the congregation both of men and women, and all that could hear with understanding.” In other words, those unable to understand — children too young (and perhaps also those with mental illness) — were not expected to be a part of this assembly.

Keep that phrase in mind: “all that could hear with understanding.” Don’t expect your children to hear and receive more than what they are capable of mentally, emotionally, or intellectually processing.

As your children grow up, teach them more about the truths of God, including (of course) sin, eternity, judgment, salvation, baptism, prayer, church, the Bible, and so much more.

Comfort your Children

As a young child learning of my grandmother’s death, the passages I held onto for comfort and assurance were John 3:16 and John 14:1-6 (thanks to my dad). I knew that God loved my grandmother and that she was now under His care.

When I grew up, I learned that my parents had some doubts about my grandmother’s faith (at one point, she apparently said she didn’t truly believe in God or the Bible), but they didn’t burden me with those misgivings when I was seven years old. They didn’t need to.

Now, in my early fifties, I still know that God loves (present tense used intentionally) my grandmother more than I do and that I can trust her soul to Him. I’m hopeful that she confirmed her faith before she passed. But whatever choice she ultimately made, I know God is all-knowing and all-loving. I know He is a God of everlasting love, mercy, and perfect justice. God is worthy of my trust.

I trust God.

And that, my fellow parents, is what you most need to impart to your kids.

This is especially the case when it comes to death, because (as you know) when death happens in the family, children (and grown-ups) begin to reflect on their own mortality.

My son, when he was much younger, had a few episodes where he was scared of dying. Jane and I comforted him by assuring him that God loved him, had plans for Him, and was worthy of Jonathan’s trust.

Teaching your children to trust in God and to prioritize their relationship with God is the greatest lesson you can impart to them.

I want to close this blog post with something I remember hearing years ago.

Peter Marshall, the famous 20th-century preacher, and one-time U.S. Senate Chaplain, once preached about a mother who explained death to her child – a boy named Kenneth stricken with a terminal illness. These were her words:

“Kenneth, do you remember when you were a little boy and you would play hard all day? When evening came, you would be so tired that when you came in, you would lie down on Mommy and Daddy’s bed and fall asleep. That was not your bed. That was not where you belonged. But you only stayed there a little while. In the morning, you were surprised to wake up and find yourself in your own bed. You were there because someone you loved had come and taken care of you. During the night while you were sleeping, your father came—with big strong arms—and carried you to your own room. Sweetheart, death is just like that. One night you are very tired and very sleepy. We fall asleep and the next morning we wake up to find ourselves in another room—our own room where we belong—because the Lord Jesus has come and with his big arms, he has carried us from our home in this world to our home in heaven.”

I’m not sure I have heard a more beautiful explanation of the transitional nature of death. Tell that story to your child.

No one loves your child more than God. And no one is more worthy of your child’s trust than God.

Here are some suggested resources for further study. Note that these are for adults or teens. Not children. Obviously, the most important source of information is the Bible itself.

BOOKS

Heaven: A Comprehensive Guide to Everything the Bible Says About Our Eternal Home by Randy Alcorn
The Heaven Answer Book by Billy Graham
Am I Just My Brain? by Sharon Dirckx
The Soul: How We Know It’s Real and Why It Matters by J.P. Moreland
The Case for Heaven: A Journalist Investigates Evidence for Life After Death by Lee Strobel

LECTURES / PRESENTATIONS / INTERVIEWS