I’m Sorry, but I’m Not Always Available

Few things hurt me more than people thinking I don’t care about them or am not sufficiently concerned for them. When people think this about me (whether they say it outright or not), it cuts to the core.

I love God. And I love people. And I particularly love the people God has put in my life.

I strive to be kind, respectful, encouraging, and considerate. I want everyone who knows me to know that I truly care about them and want the very best for them.

And these sentiments and convictions are needed now more than ever in the troubled, polarized, and hurting world in which we now live.

Yet, there are times when I let people down, when I fall short of their needs and expectations, and when these people sometimes feel I don’t care about them — at least not as much as I should.

It hurts.

And so… if you are one of those I’ve hurt or disappointed…If I’ve hurt you because I wasn’t available when you needed me, then know this:

I am truly sorry.

And…

Unfortunately, I will probably hurt you again. 🙁

Why?

I will not always be available.

One of the ongoing frustrations that pastors wrestle with is trying to be sufficiently accessible to the congregations they serve as well as their family and their friends (if they have any) outside of the church. And being available to all these people, mind you, while also fulfilling their overall pastoral responsibilities and safeguarding their emotional and mental health.

This has been one of the toughest challenges for me in my now 17 years of full-time pastoral ministry, and I’ve had mixed success at best. At times, I’ve not been sufficiently available to members in need and, at other times, I’ve been too available — much to the detriment of my own family and personal well-being.

Time and energy demands on individual pastors of course vary depending on church size, culture, and congregational needs. But speaking from the perspective of one who has pastored smaller churches, I can tell you that such pastors are generally expected to be jack-of-all-trades pastors. These pastors have to be excellent in the pulpit and also in 1-on-1 counseling sessions. And they are expected to be good with youth, seniors, singles, marrieds, and just about every demographic in the church!

In addition to preaching, teaching, and pastoral care, small church pastors are expected to be good managers and administrators. And in some cases (though thankfully not really in my case), they are also expected to do building and grounds maintenance.

Clearly, many churches have unrealistic and unfair expectations of their pastors that go beyond the Bible. This is of course is just one of many symptoms of a Christian community increasingly detached from and disinterested in the Bible. Unless churches recapture their love for God’s word, it will only get worse.

At present, I’m blessed to serve a wonderful church with some outstanding volunteers and an outstanding (though small) staff. And a very supportive wife.

Without them, I would crash and burn.

Sometimes, I still stumble and fall. But at least I’m not crashing and burning. 🙂

Still, there are times when the “operating system” is overloaded.

Know what I mean?

There are times when I get pulled in so many different directions that I simply can’t do everything I need to do – let alone what I want to do.

Let me give you a recent example. Last year, our small church suffered the loss of one of our deacons and worship leaders to COVID. He was not only a key leader in our church but an outstanding man overall — and a devoted husband and father. And for a period of several weeks last year, my main focus was on praying for and supporting this family as this man battled and ultimately succumbed to COVID — and also supporting the members of our church (themselves hurting) through this valley.

Words cannot convey how time-consuming and energy-consuming this situation was to our church – and to me. In saying that, I’m not at all complaining. It was a PRIVILEGE and an HONOR to minister to this family. Though I wish there had been a different outcome, I don’t regret one second of the time I spent ministering to them (or the members of our church also affected). If anything, I truly wish I could have given MORE time. I truly do.

My point isn’t to complain, but to simply point out that a limited vessel can only do so much. Here’s what I mean…

When it came time for the funeral, I had to jump in the car right after our Sunday morning service to drive down to South Carolina. A couple of church members wanted to ride with me, but I backed out of that – and went alone. This was disappointing, I’m sure, to some, but I needed the drive down to be…. alone.

I needed to be alone with God — to pray and to prepare for the funeral. And to prepare for being with the family.

Things had been so busy that I hadn’t even put my funeral message together. And I knew that, once I got to South Carolina, there would be little-to-no time to do so then. I needed that drive down — by myself — to get ready (pastorally and personally) for what lay ahead.

This is an example of not being available to a couple of church members so that I could be available to others.

Only there’s more.

While I was driving down to South Carolina, the mother of one of our church members passed away. I was literally driving away from one family in need in order to be with another family in need. Do you have any idea how that makes a pastor feel?

Try to imagine.

Fortunately, the family I was driving away from completely understood — and one of our elders was there for them in my absence. And as soon as I got back, they were the first family I visited.

And there’s still more.

During this ordeal, one of my friends from high school lost his wife. I asked our church to pray for him. I also messaged him what I hoped were words of encouragement.

At one point, he asked for my number. I gave it to him but explained that I had two church families in crisis and that I was currently with one of those families – doing a funeral – and might not be available. I gave him the best time for me to talk, which would be the day after the funeral — which again, I had to officiate. I told him I’d be driving back that day and he could call me anytime. I’d have my phone next to me.

No response. And no phone call.

I could tell his feelings were hurt. And honestly, that hurt me.

When we exchanged messages a few weeks later, and once again, I tried to work out a good time for us to talk, he made clear how hurt and offended he was.

But here’s the reality…

I am not always available.

I get that he was in deep pain. I do. And my heart goes out to him. I’ve prayed for him. And I sent him a few notes of encouragement. And gave him times I was available to talk. But none of that was good enough for him. He wanted more… and I couldn’t give him that “more.”

Does that hurt?

You bet.

Because I hate to let people down. I hate for people to think I’m not there for them, that I don’t care for them. But…

There are times when I can’t be there.

I just can’t.

There are times when I’m not available. And can’t be available because I’m overwhelmed.

I’m human.

Let me quickly offer up some disclaimers and qualifiers so that I’m not misunderstood…

The overwhelming majority of the people in my life — including the members of the church I serve currently (and also the previous church I served) — are wonderful and patient and understanding. I want to be clear about that.

And the vast majority of people in my life are supportive and reasonable.

But…

There are times when…well…certain voices can really hurt.

And I’m not alone. While most pastors I know truly love the congregations they serve, there are enough unreasonable people in our churches — and, in general, in the lives of pastors — to make life quite difficult for pastors much of the time.

This is why a very high number of clergy and ministers struggle with depression, health issues, and strains within their families. The demands on their time — and their love for people and desire to “be there” for those people — is often more than pastors can bear.

Let me also acknowledge that there are some bad friends out there.

And bad pastors.

The same can be said for parents, spouses, CEOs, police officers, doctors, sales professionals, bricklayers, you get the idea.

There are good and bad ‘apples’ in every group, community, or profession. And of course…

Let’s not forget that, compared to God’s glory, we are all in the ‘bad apple’ bucket. As Paul makes clear, we all “fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 6:23). So…

Perhaps we should cut each other more slack.

If I could wave a magic wand (I know, I know, such magic is unbiblical, but this is just an illustration, so work with me…), I would give everyone a healthy dose of self-awareness. And if I could wave it a second time, I would give everyone a dose of humility. A big one. With those two qualities firmly in place, most people would recognize the need to have realistic expectations of others.

And they would see the importance of giving others the benefit of the doubt.

I wish everyone in my life would recognize my limitations and (yes) cut me slack and give me the benefit of the doubt.

And it hurts that some won’t do that.

Why?

There are several reasons, but chief among them is this…

People in need or in pain have a tough time setting realistic or fair expectations.

And that includes me.

I’m not being judgmental. I’ve been there. And I’ve been guilty.

But here’s a dose of reality for ALL of us…

You can’t expect people to give more than they have.

In other words, don’t base your expectations of others on your needs. You must take into account their capacity.

If you don’t, you will be perpetually disappointed and hurt. And you’ll experience a lot more drama in your life and in your relationships than is necessary.

As for me…

If you’re in my life – family, neighborhood, friendship, church, social media, or whatever – know that I’m grateful. I’m blessed to have you in my life, but…

I will at times let you down.

Because I’m human.

There will be times I’m not available. Times I might say the wrong thing. Times I don’t say the right thing. Times I don’t do what you feel I should do. Times I fall short of your needs and expectations.

Here’s what I’m asking for you in advance….

Your patience, understanding, and forgiveness.

And I will strive to give those things to you as well – as best I can.

After all, we can only do the best we can do.

Right?

God bless you!