8 Things I Wish for as a Pastor From Those I Serve

There are times when being a pastor can be lonely, frustrating, and hurtful. And I am grateful for the people God has used over the years to love me, pray for me, support me, and encourage me. I’ve been blessed to serve two wonderful congregations as a pastor. And I’ve been particularly blessed with a wife who has been not only my very best friend but a partner in ministry.

Without my family and without the support of all the multiple gracious and kind men and women during my ministry over the years, I don’t believe I would have made it.

Why? Because ministry isn’t easy.

With this post, I want to share what, I believe, pastors need from those we serve. Since I can’t speak for all pastors, I will offer up those things which most bless and encourage me.

In sharing this list, I am mindful of the fact that it’s on the pastors (including me) to be servants — hence the word “serve” in the title of this post. Pastors lead by serving. At least they should. And thus pastors must take the initiative and must draw their strength from the Lord.

What’s more, there are some bad pastors out there. And I’m also aware that I’ve made my share of mistakes and committed my share of transgressions or errors over the years. I’m not perfect. And…

I’m fully aware that church members no doubt have their own list of things that they desire from their pastors, and those of us who take our calling to serve seriously should want to hear those needs. I certainly do. Indeed, part of the reason for my writing this post is to encourage you to talk about your needs and expectations with your pastor(s) — and then let your pastor(s) share their needs and requests with you. That makes for more healthy and constructive relationships all around.

And so in that spirit, I hope you’ll take these things, pray on them, and then ask God how you can encourage and support your pastor(s) in the church God has called you to be a part of.

Prayer

I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men; For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty.

I Timothy 2:1-2, KJV

This passage is often read in relation to civic authorities, but it clearly says “all men” and “all that are in authority.” It’s fair then to apply this verse to a church setting, and conclude that we should pray for our fellow church members and our church leaders.

Years ago, I was shocked to read the news that a pastor I sat under and respected fell into sin. And then I felt the Lord convict me with a simple question: “How often did you pray for him, Brian?” I’m ashamed to say my answer was “Hardly ever.”

Do you have any idea of the demands that can sometimes be placed on pastors? Can you imagine the wide-ranging scenarios or situations we are often called upon to address?

And do you realize that ministry can be unforgiving? When a doctor messes up, it can directly (and sometimes seriously) impact the health of their patients. Likewise, when pastors mess up, what do you think can happen to the spiritual (and sometimes emotional) health of the member or members affected?

We deal with a lot. We get criticized a lot. And we can often feel lonely and discouraged. And…

The Enemy is always probing for an attack. Trust me when I tell you that spiritual warfare is real, and the devil goes after both pastors and their families.

We need prayer.

Love & Encouragement

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

I John 4:7, KJV

A church is a family. And love is the glue that keeps a family together. Don’t forget to throw some love your pastor’s way.

I can’t tell you how much it has meant to my family and me for church members to express their love and encouragement via cards, gifts, hugs, or words of affirmation. These expressions of love (whether delivered in-person, via email, through the mail, or over the phone — text or calling) mean the world to me. And I’m forever grateful.

Why? Because a church family (like any family) is glued together by love.

Attendance & Participation

And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

One of the best ways to encourage your pastor is to simply show up. To be there when the church has gathered.

Practically speaking, the main benefit of the local church — if the church is doing what the church is supposed to be doing — is for God’s people to help, support, and encourage one another. We are to assemble together so that we “provoke” each other to “love” and “good works.”

But you’re never going to get the full experience of the church if you don’t show up and participate!

What’s more, it’s discouraging to many pastors (including me) to see so many church members forsake (neglect, dismiss, ignore, downplay) their opportunities to assemble with their brothers and sisters in Christ.

It’s personally discouraging because I work hard to lay out a banquet meal (my sermons and lessons) for the church family I love — only to have many church families not even show up.

It’s also discouraging because I know the people of the church I serve need God’s word. And we need it now more than ever! And yet…

We don’t just need to study God’s word individually. We need to study corporately — by hearing the preaching and teaching of God’s word.

Finally, it’s frustrating and disappointing because of the selfishness inherent in families saying “We don’t need church” (either saying it outright or saying it effectively in their lack of participation), even though the church isn’t just about them! It’s also about how they can bless and encourage others.

It warms my heart to see God’s people helping, supporting, and encouraging each other.

If you are not committed to the local church — and actually assembling with your local church — you’re not just hurting yourself. You’re also denying a blessing to others.

And many Christians just don’t care. 🙁

Help & Support

For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ.

I Corinthians 12:12, KJV

Serve the Lord with gladness

Psalm 100:2a, KJV

As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.

I Peter 4:10, KJV

But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.

II Corinthians 9:6-7, KJV

When it comes to any church — especially smaller churches — the church can’t survive, let alone thrive, without the active participation and support of the members. When it comes to a church, God wants everyone to step up and serve.

At a minimum, that means praying for your church, attending church services as best you can (see the previous point), and being a positive and encouraging presence in the church. It means (again, at a minimum) welcoming newer faces and showing love and support to your church family.

I also believe this includes financially supporting the church through your tithes and offerings.

And it includes, let’s not forget, the Great Commission!

God wants you to be the body of Christ and He wants you to take the gospel to every creature.

If everyone just did the minimum, however, the church wouldn’t be able to move forward. And this is why I’m so grateful for those members who go above and beyond the minimum. These are the members who faithfully serve in the children’s ministries, youth ministries, music and audio-visual ministries, and more. These are the members who serve on needed teams, boards, committees, and so forth.

And they are the ones who engage the unchurched in spiritual conversations and who invite others to church so that they may hear the Good News and become part of the family of God.

On a personal note, pastors also appreciate those church members who come alongside them and offer to help them — even if it’s just (and I shouldn’t say “just,” because this is big) praying specifically for the pastor and his family. Pastors need Aarons and Hurs for when their arms get tired.

While I appreciate all members and all who give of themselves (via their time, talent, or tithes), I am especially grateful for those members who go that extra mile.

Consistency

Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.

I Corinthians 4:2

Paul makes the above comment mainly in the context of “ministers of Christ” or church leaders. But, since we are all called to grow in Christ and all called to ministry, we should all strive to be “found faithful.”

One of the things I appreciate the most are members and volunteers who are consistent and dependable.

By contrast, oh how discouraging it is when I encounter inconsistent church members, disappearing church members, “shooting stars,” or “Roman Candles.” These are the people who come to church for a while, and then leave when they get offended or when they get distracted by the next opportunity or trend, or when it’s no longer convenient for them to come. These are the people who express excitement and then … nope! These are the ones who say they love Jesus, love the church, love me, and then — they’re gone!

I’ve had several people, over the years, convey to me in tears — oh, they were convincing — how much they loved the Lord, loved the church, appreciated me, and so forth. And how they were going to join, get involved, and serve with gladness.

Are these people to whom I’m referring in the above paragraph actively serving God now in the church?

Nope!

In some cases, the Christians who do the disappearing act will (eventually) communicate their reasons for leaving, but it’s usually in a manner that does not really open the door to any genuine or authentic opportunity to mend any concerns or restore fellowship.

Over the years, I’ve had solid church members and leaders as well as people I considered friends pull back — and sometimes pull completely away — with little or no explanation. It’s discouraging, to say the least.

I’ve been a pastor in Montgomery County, Maryland for the last 12 years of my life. My kids have grown up in the church. My wife and I have invested so much of our (to steal a phrase from Churchill) “blood, toil, tears, and sweat” into our church family. And we’ve done so willingly. And while I don’t expect everyone in the church to be as able or as willing to give as much, this much I can say…

I sure do appreciate those members, volunteers, and leaders who are consistent.

Those who are found faithful.

Realistic Expectations

Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation … Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

Hebrews 13:7, 17

There’s a lot that could be said of the above passage, but I’m not going to focus on the call to obey and submit to pastors. No Baptist wants to be told that, so we’ll skip right over that. Instead, I want to focus on the responsibility God places on pastors and what the writer of Hebrews accordingly asks of church members.

Pastors are called to “watch for your souls” and must “give account” to God for that calling. I’m convicted, humbled, and overwhelmed every time I read that and meditate on it. This theme is likewise echoed in I Thessalonians 5 and in I Peter 5.

Pastors have a heavy burden and responsibility. And the writer of Hebrews says church members should cooperate (he says “obey” and “submit,” but I’ll soften it to “cooperate”) with their pastors — so that “they may do it with joy, and not with grief.”

Put simply: Don’t cause your pastor grief.

Speaking for myself… here’s what causes me grief:

• members who lie to me or mislead me (more on this shortly)
• members who get offended and don’t give me the opportunity to explain myself or address their concerns or grievances
• members who project onto me or place upon me unrealistic (and often unfair) expectations
• members who refuse to extend grace or give me the benefit of the doubt
• members who don’t respect or appreciate the role or responsibilities I carry (more on this shortly)

Let me say it plainly: I am human.

That means:

• I can’t read minds
• I can only be at one place at one time
• I can forget things
• I make mistakes
• I have limited time
• I have limited energy
• I can get overwhelmed at times
• I’m not always available (see this article)
• I have feelings and emotions
• I sometimes have my own struggles and challenges
• I sometimes like to do some stuff outside of my church responsibilities (like rest, family, hobbies, etc)

And yet, I have periodically run into guests, frequent attenders, and members who object to one or more of the above realities or limitations that I — like any other human being — have. 🙁

Most people are reasonable and fair, but when you tabulate up all the needs and situations that come at pastors, it collectively adds up to expectations that no pastor can sustain. It often feels like we pastors are expected to have the heart of Jesus, the patience of Job, the intellectual gravitas of Paul, and the wisdom of Solomon.

And that we should somehow have all the spiritual gifts. (Not gonna happen!)

Don’t even get me started on “But my last pastor did such-and-such.” Stop comparing your pastor with other pastors. Each pastor is unique — with his own personality, background, experience, knowledge, giftedness, and style. Let your pastor be who God made him to be!

Bottom line: I am human.

And so is your pastor.

Regardless of how much pain you’re in or how many needs you have, you must remember that pastors are human. And they have needs too. And limitations. And challenges. You have to accept that — and be okay with that.

Finally, your expectations of your pastor need to be based on the Bible! Forgive me for getting a little heated here, but for crying out loud… I get so frustrated when church members who have been Christians for a while (and thus should know better) display terrible ignorance of the Bible! And as such, they have expectations of the church or of me that have NO basis in Scripture!

Do you want to know what a pastor is supposed to do? Read the New Testament! Focus on the pastoral epistles (I and II Timothy and Titus), and then read the various epistles (letters) to the churches in the New Testament. Read about the early history of the church in the book of Acts. If you’ve been a Christian for several years, you should have read the Bible. At least read the New Testament! And if you’ve been a Christian for a while, you should have at least a basic idea of what the Bible teaches regarding the local church and what the local church is to be about.

Again, don’t get me started with: “But my pastor doesn’t teach on (fill in the blank).” Yes, the pastor should preach and teach the Bible. And if he’s not doing that, your church either needs a new pastor or you need to find a new church. But there are only 52 Sundays in a year. The pastor can only do so much from the pulpit. You have to take responsibility for your spiritual growth.

You need to be praying on your own — every day, multiple times a day. You need to reading and studying the Bible yourself. You need to be in fellowship with your brothers and sisters in Christ. That means coming to church faithfully, getting engaged with small groups or Sunday school (or whatever your church offers), investing time in friendships with godly men and women, getting counseling when you need it, and more.

Take personal responsibility for your walk with Christ.

And when troubles come…

Put your trust in the Lord. Depend on Him.

Remember… while Jesus does give pastors and teachers to the church (see Ephesians 4), the ultimate gift He left us with was the Comforter — the Holy Spirit. And He is always available!

Honesty

Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Ephesians 4:25, KJV

I already mentioned this, but it’s important enough to warrant its own section.

Please be honest with your pastor!

Don’t say one thing to your pastor and then another thing behind his back.

“Oh, Pastor, so-and-so said this about you, but I defended you.” And then I find out later that the person who supposedly defended me was actually the one stirring up the trouble!

Don’t break confidence with your pastor. If the pastor ever shares things in confidence with you, respect that and keep it between you, the pastor, and God.

Don’t gossip about the pastor or slander the pastor — or, for that matter, anybody!

(Indeed, most of what I type in this article can be said about any of your fellow church members, fellow Christians, friends, relatives, and more!)

If your family is imploding or you are overcome with addiction or at a low point in your walk with Christ, own it! Take responsibility and get help. Ask your pastor to pray for you. And ask if the pastor has any guidance or direction for how you can do better.

Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Yes, we all put our best foot forward in public – and that includes in church. But the church is a family. And we have to get real with each other. And church members especially need to be real with their pastor.

If you lie to your pastor, you’re hurting yourself, because it inhibits your pastor’s ability to truly help you. What’s more, it can also hurt others in the church, since the pastor is then going off of incomplete or incorrect information.

If I were, for example, having serious marital problems, I would need to be honest with the elders and deacons about that. Why? Because I’m in a position of leadership in the church, and it’s not fair to the members of the church that I would risk falling into sin or scandal by not disclosing my need for serious prayer and intervention. And yet…

It can be debilitating to a church when key members or leaders withhold or conceal important information from the pastor (or elders or deacons) — or when they mislead the pastor (or other leaders) or lie outright.

Be honest! Be a man or woman of integrity. If you’re struggling, admit the struggle. If you fall, admit the falling. Be honest.

A church can’t thrive on lies. Dishonesty will destroy a church. It has destroyed many churches. And here’s the thing: If you want your pastor to be honest with you, then you need to be honest with him!

Be honest.

Respect for the Call

And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you; And to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves.

I Thessalonians 5:12-13, KJV

Finally, I wish all church members at least recognized the role that I have as a pastor. I’m not asking for a special parking spot or my name on the sign. I don’t need “We love the Pastor” parades. I don’t need any of that. What I do need, though, or at least really, really wish for is … recognition of the role that I have as a pastor.

I don’t want people to put me on a pedestal. I’m unworthy of any pedestal. I’m human. I can fall into the same sins as anyone else. I’m imperfect. I fall short. I have bad days. I make mistakes.

I neither want nor deserve any special accolades or high esteem for myself personally.

What I’m asking is that people respect the calling God places on pastors – and all the responsibilities that come with that call.

Paul says to “esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake.” There’s that word “love” again. Note the emphasis: Esteem (or value or respect) your pastors “very highly” and do so in love. Why? For the sake of their “work” (or calling or position).

In other words, you should love your pastor and respect your pastor — not because your pastor is anything special or extraordinary, but because he’s your brother in Christ and (most of all) because of the calling God has placed upon him.

Did you catch that?

This respect or esteem isn’t based on your pastor’s approval rating or charisma or talents or anything like that. It’s based on his calling — the calling God has placed on him.

You don’t withhold your respect or cooperation from your pastor when you get upset at a sermon or when you don’t approve of the way he’s handling something. Of course, if you’re offended, you should go to him and talk with him about it (see Matthew 18:15). But you should do so in a spirit of love and respect. Frankly, it would be great if we did that in how we interact with everyone in the family of God!

Don’t nit-pick your pastor. Don’t appoint yourself as the Head Scrutinizer of your pastor’s style and approach. Don’t always be trying to find fault with the church or your pastor. (And again, you shouldn’t be doing this with anyone!)

What’s more, you’re not showing respect or esteem to your pastor — certainly not “very highly” (as Paul exhorts) — if you decide to be a renegade or go your own way or do your own thing in the church — regardless of your pastor’s vision or plans.

And don’t take it personally if the pastor doesn’t do things your way.

In the past, when I was just a regular church member, I would sometimes think: “The pastor should do such-and-such.” As I got more mature in Christ, the Holy Spirit helped me realize an important point…

You’re not the pastor!

God leads and empowers people according to the call He has placed on their lives. That includes your pastor. It’s highly unlikely God appointed you to be His prophet to tell the pastor what the pastor should be doing and how the pastor should be doing it. God doesn’t need you for that. God has a relationship with the pastor and is perfectly capable of communicating His direction to the pastor.

This doesn’t mean that a pastor should be a dictator and never ask for advice or counsel. Only a foolish pastor leads without any input or advice.

Speaking for myself, I welcome the input and wisdom of the wonderful congregation I serve. And I especially value the guidance and (sometimes) correction I get from the deacons and elders at our church.

I’m not speaking against constructive input.

I’m simply saying that congregations need to recognize that the pastor has been called to lead. And the pastor isn’t always going to do things precisely the way some of the members feel he should do them.

And that’s okay.

Your pastor can’t please everyone. What’s most important is that he please God.

All this is to say that your pastor may handle situations or make choices that you personally don’t like. And the pastor may have a vision that you don’t fully line up with or feel comfortable with.

Pray for your pastor. And work with your pastor. And let the pastor be the pastor.

It’s not asking too much for your pastor to want all the rowers of the church to row in the same direction. And the pastor is the guy God has called – and presumably, your church has affirmed that calling – to steer that rowboat.

Work with your pastor. And do so lovingly and respectfully.

Let me conclude with two important disclaimers…

First, I’m grateful for the privilege and honor of serving the two churches I have served as a pastor — one in Ohio and one now in Maryland. I love both churches and count myself better for the experience.

And, when it comes to the majority of the members in both churches… they are and were better to me as a congregation than I have been to them as a pastor. I’m the one who has been primarily blessed in both those pastor-congregation relationships.

The majority of the people I now serve – and have served – already do (or have done) the things mentioned in this post. And so I want them to read this as a “thank you” more than anything else.

Second, I want to also make clear that I’m grateful to God for calling me to be a pastor. The Bible says God doesn’t make mistakes. His calling me to be a pastor has caused me to almost question that on more than a few occasions. I am unworthy of His calling but deeply grateful for it.

But, those disclaimers aside, I can say that there have been moments of disappointment, discouragement, and deep pain in ministry.

And I hope that this article can help, in some small way, improve the relationships that other congregations have with their pastors.

If I can speak for all Bible-believing, conscientious pastors on this last point…

We love you and we need you.

And we only want God’s best for you.

Let’s work together.

Help us help you.