Paul’s letter to the Colossians contains some of the best teachings in the Bible on Jesus and Christian maturity. Colossae was a small Phrygian city about one hundred miles from Ephesus, and the believers there were wrestling with some heretical ideas about Jesus and struggles in their spiritual growth.
In the first three chapters, Paul says a lot about Christ’s preeminence over all of Creation, His work in redemption, and how God’s people can share in His work. After confronting the dangerous teachings the Colossians were being exposed to and calling on them to set their affections on the Lord and live like Him, Paul takes a moment to give some family instructions:
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”
Colossians 3:18-21, KJV
No one today wants to hear about that first part, so we’ll skip over that — especially since this article is mainly for men anyway. Paul then gives a very specific admonition to men before calling on children to “obey their parents,” and then returning to men to give them a similar exhortation regarding their kids.
For this post today, we’ll focus on what Paul tells men concerning their wives.
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
The first part is rather general. Some might even say obvious, but it’s really not. Most people don’t understand the true nature of love. It’s not a matter of feelings. It’s not simply affection. It’s certainly not lust. In the words of Thomas Aquinas:
Love is “the choice to will the good of the other.”
Want an even more comprehensive definition, read I Corinthians 13. You’ll find Aquinas was onto something with his succinct explanation.
So… Men, do you love your wives?
Do you “will” the “good” of your wife? Not what your wife can or will do for you, but do you want good for her? Let me repeat: Do you want what’s good for your wife?
The degree of our love is measured by how much we’re willing to invest and sacrifice into the other person’s good. So…. Husbands, the degree of your love for your wife is how much you’re willing to invest and sacrifice in your wife’s good.
Now, “good” is defined by God because God is good. So I’m not suggesting that you must support, affirm, or assist your wife’s every desire or whim. But you must be committed to her overall good — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
And then Paul adds “be not bitter against them.”
Why would he add this very specific admonition?
I believe Paul added it because bitterness is all too common for men. (It’s common for a lot of women too). It’s especially common for those who invest their love in others and are then disappointed at the returns.
Keeping the world’s fluid and often shallow definition of “love” in mind… Most people “love” in order to be loved. Most people give in order to receive. Or at least they give — expecting to receive.
But can you love when that love isn’t reciprocated?
And what happens when that love isn’t reciprocated in a timely or adequate manner?
Indeed, what happens in general when your desires and/or needs aren’t met (by your wife) in a timely or sufficient manner? But let’s add “…especially when you do your best to meet her needs and desires.”
If you’re like most men (or really most people in general), the answer is…
You get bitter.
You get angry (which, if unresolved, leads to bitterness) when your wife doesn’t adequately meet your needs or desires — especially if you feel you’re doing your best to meet hers.
And Paul here is saying you should love your wife unconditionally. You should love her sacrificially — and not be bitter even if that love isn’t returned in the way you feel you want or need.
It’s of course easy for Paul to say this, right? And it’s simple to read these words, but…
When it comes to implementation… wow. That can be very tough. Don’t you agree?
Yet in order to understand this exhortation, you must read all the verses that lead up to it. Don’t just read Colossians 3:19. You must read Colossians 1:1 through 3:18 — and then continue into verse 19 and beyond. Read the whole letter.
Then, it starts to make sense.
If Christ is preeminent over all things, then that anchors you. Or at least it should. If Christ is preeminent, if He’s most important, then everything else — including your marriage and family (and all your relational needs and desires) — is subordinate. If Christ is supreme, and if He sacrificed Himself for us, can we sacrifice for Him?
And if Jesus is God (He is), then we can trust Him. He knows our needs better than we do.
What’s more, if we “set our affection on things above” (Colossians 3:2), we must then die to ourselves (Colossians 3:3). In so doing, we can “put off” all those vices and negative emotions (Colossians 3:8-9) and become the “new man” the Holy Spirit is transforming us to be (Colossians 3:10).
Let’s take anger. It’s one of the negatives mentioned specifically…
“But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.”
Colossians 3:8
Actually, anger overlaps with the others. It certainly overlaps with wrath and malice. And it can easily lead to blasphemy and filthy communication.
We’re called to “put off” anger. Yes, anger is wired into our DNA as part of our flight-or-flight emotional makeup, but just because we experience anger at times does NOT mean we are supposed to wear anger. We are to “put off” anger because we aren’t to wear it.
You may experience anger with your wife, but you’re not supposed to wear that anger. You aren’t supposed to store up that anger. You aren’t supposed to fuel that anger. You’re supposed to “put off” that anger. That means jettisoning the anger. Get rid of it. Don’t let it take hold of your heart.
So…
Husband, do you love your wife?
And are you carrying anger towards your wife? Are you bitter against your wife?
Make today the day that you decide to truly love your wife “even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25).
Let go of the anger and hold onto love. And cherish your wife.
God bless you.
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Recommending Reading:
- The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman
- His Needs, Her Needs: Making Romantic Love Last by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
- “What do Do If You’re Struggling in Your Home Life” (an article on this blog)
- “Why You Might Need Professional Counseling” (an article on this blog)
