Are you struggling right now at home? What word best describes your state of mind? Discouraged? Trapped? Lost? Hopeless? Scared? Confused? Sad? Despairing?
A Quick Word for Crisis Situations
Let me first address the most serious crises. If you are desperate and your mind is racing to dark places, you need help. If you or your children are unsafe, you need help. If you are in any kind of emergency situation, you need help and you need it now. If any of those scenarios describe your situation, you can call 911 or 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).
There may also be a local crisis center in your area. For example, the church I serve is located in Montgomery County, Maryland. The Montgomery County Crisis Center can be reached at 240-777-4000.
If you’re in an emergency or crisis situation, stop what you’re doing…. say a prayer and call 911 or 988.
Okay?
I’m going to address the rest of this article for those who are in an anxious or discouraging situation — a serious situation, but not necessarily an immediate emergency.
If you’re struggling emotionally in your home life or in your marriage, there are a few specific steps you can take to improve your situation. I want to lay them out for you here.
Focus on God
Your identity, self-image, and sense of hope must be anchored to God—not your feelings, not how others treat you, and not what others think or feel about you. This is crucial!
You will never heal from your pain if you don’t get clear on your purpose — your ultimate purpose.
You were put on this planet by God. He is your Maker. He is your Purpose. He is your Meaning. And He determines your worth and value.
Put your hope and trust in God.
Prayer
You need to “pray without ceasing” (I Thessalonians 5:17). Start your day with prayer. Pray over your meals. Pray when you have a free moment. And try to set aside extended time each day for prayer.
Prayer occupies your mind. It gives your brain something meaningful and constructive to focus on. And it puts you in touch with the One who knows you better than you know yourself and who knows your situation better than you do.
Prayers of Petition
In addition to your regular and ongoing time with God, you need to incorporate petitions into your prayer life–petitions that directly address those matters weighing down your spirit. In his first epistle, the Apostle John writes:
Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
I John 5:14-15, NKJV
A petition is a request. And the context usually suggests an intentional, earnest request. In a legal or governmental context, a petition took on an official character. When it comes to a prayer of petition, you are making an intentional, specific, earnest, and official request of the King of the Universe.
It’s good to put some thought into that, don’t you think?
Don’t treat your petitions casually or with a lazy spirit. Do you want God to respond in a lazy way? Be sincere, earnest, serious, and passionate. And persistent (see Luke 18:1-8).
Now, note that John ties God’s response in with God’s will. We must ask “according to His will.” So…
It would behoove us to know God’s will on the matter, yes?
How do we do that?
Simple. We study God’s word!
Study the Bible
What is weighing you down? What is bothering you? What’s hurting, crushing, or grieving your spirit?
I want you to take whatever that problem – or set of problems – may be and write it (or them) down. Be specific and comprehensive. Write down anything and everything that pertains to your struggle.
Okay?
Now, I want you to organize those thoughts as best you can into topics. And then…
Start studying the Bible on those topic(s).
And here’s a way to take this to the next level. Prepare a written brief for God. Attorneys prepare briefs for court. You are going to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords with your petition, are you not? Why not write your prayer like a brief?
This is where Bible study comes in. You are going to back up your petitions (your requests) with Scripture. If you can’t back up the petitions with Scripture, then you need to honestly ask whether your requests are consistent with God’s will.
Humility
As you pray and read the Bible, you need to humble yourself before the Lord (James 4:10) and open yourself up to God probing your heart for things you need to work on (Psalm 139:23).
You need to be honest about this. No one is perfect. And it’s usually more than one person contributing pain to a household.
Please don’t roll your eyes. You may be in great pain right now because of the hurt caused by your spouse (or your child), but do you know the pain that your spouse (or child) is in? Do you care about their pain? And do you know the extent of their pain and/or the cause(s) of their pain?
Is there anything you are doing to create, cause, or contribute to their pain? Anything? Anything at all?
Is there anything you’re doing in your home right now (or in your life right now) that God would like for you to stop?
Open yourself up completely to God. Let Him clean out your life. Cooperate with the cleaning process.
You need to be honest about this. Do you want your prayers heard and your petitions granted? Remember this: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6).
Be humble. Be honest.
Fellowship with other Believers
If you’re struggling, you need fellowship. You need friends. But not friends like Job had. You need God-honoring, Jesus-loving, Bible-studying friends! You need friends with wisdom and character.
Where will you find those friends?
Well… the best place to find them is in a church that is making disciples. I can’t guarantee that every church you come across will be healthy. Some churches (sadly) are not healthy. Many are outright toxic. But you most likely stand a better chance of finding wise and godly friends in church than you will at a bar or on social media.
There’s a reason the Bible says:
And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.
Hebrews 10:24-25, NKJV
At the very least, if you find a Bible-based church, you’re likely to hear solid Bible-based preaching and teaching every Sunday (and during the week if they have a mid-week service too). Every little bit helps.
You should also get into a small group Bible study or Sunday school. (At OBC, we have “connect groups” – so connect 🙂 ).
Oh, you get out of church what you put into church. Don’t just drift in and out of churches. Don’t just ‘shop around’ and never land. Ask God to lead you to the church He wants you to be at – and when you land, land with both feet! Get involved. Participate. And grow.
Guard your heart
While you’re struggling, you must guard your heart (see Proverbs 4:23). You must manage your thoughts, emotions, and your attitude.
This gets back to the part about Humility – about being honest and humble before God.
You may be hurting. That doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. You may be discouraged. That doesn’t give you the license to discourage others. You may be angry. That doesn’t give you the right to lash out or hold onto bitterness.
Your spouse may be depriving you or hurting you in some way. (Again, if we’re talking abuse, see the very top of this article). But this doesn’t give you the right to hurt your spouse back or become bitter toward her or him. You must guard your heart and love your spouse — even in the midst of pain.
Two virtues that will help guard your heart are compassion and gratitude. Remember that your spouse (or parent or child) is a human being made in the image of God with her/his/their own needs, hurts, and pain. Be compassionate and caring more than resentful. And focus on the positive. Focus on those things for which you can genuinely be thankful. Be grateful for the good.
And…remember your purpose. Your spouse may be causing you pain. But maybe God led you to your spouse to be a part of the healing process for him or her. Don’t be so selfish that you focus only on your pain and not on what God may want you to do with your pain.
Counseling
Three times in the Book of Proverbs, we’re told there’s “safety” in the “multitude of counselors” (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22, and 24:6). If something’s in the Bible just once, it’s important. If it’s repeated three times, well… don’t you think you better pay attention?
You need a team of wise counselors to help you with your struggles. It’s unlikely you will find just one counselor who will fix all your problems. Sorry. It rarely works that way. You need a multitude of counselors.
Note that it doesn’t say “multitude of opinions.” It says “counselors.”
Okay, so what does that mean?
A “counselor” is someone who is qualified to offer wise, helpful, and edifying advice.
Look for trustworthy people with character, integrity, Bible knowledge, and wisdom. And get as much advice as you can from these people.
This can include a trained, professional counselor or therapist. And if you are seriously struggling with a pain point (or points) at home, you probably should include a therapist or counselor! But not all your counselors need to be credentialed.
Here’s a possible team:
- a licensed or credentialed therapist / counselor with expertise in the area(s) of your struggle
- your primary care physician (if applicable) and any specialist to which you may be referred
- a pastor
- a deacon
- a family member you trust and can depend on
- a wise and godly friend
- a mentor (may be the same as above)
- a support group that is focused on your area(s) of struggle
- the Bible (yep, the greatest source of wisdom there is!!)
- books by credible authors (living or dead)
- sermons
- TED talks (they are all over YouTube)
- a teacher or professor
- and so on
We live in the Age of Information. You won’t lack for counselors. The key is to find the right counselors!
And you may have noticed from the above list that you can sometimes get wisdom from people who may not even know you personally. I read all the time. When I do so, I benefit from the wise counsel of the authors–authors that, for the most part, have never met me personally. A lot of marital communication problems, for example, could be addressed with great wisdom by reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
So… start getting wise counsel. And be willing to invest time and (as necessary) money to obtain wise counsel. It’s worth it.
Oh, and be willing to change as you receive wise counsel.
Too many people stop talking with wise counselors when they hear things they don’t want to hear. (Again, I’m talking about any wise counselor – whether it be a therapist or a pastor or deacon or friend or mentor, or whomever). If a counselor gives you advice contrary to God’s word, that’s one thing. But if the counselor simply tells you something you don’t want to hear because…it’s uncomfortable for you…well, that’s quite another thing.
Don’t be stubborn.
Stubborn people rarely benefit from wisdom. And that is to their detriment – and the detriment of the people in their life.
Bottom Line
Here’s the bad news: In most cases, solutions don’t come overnight. Your problems won’t go away with the wave of a hand. It’s unlikely going to be the case that your spouse wakes up one day, realizes she was wrong all along, and completely changes. And it’s probably going to be One Grand Conversation (or Argument) — and everything’s better.
Sorry.
Healing takes time.
And if you find yourself unwilling to take that time, I refer you back to the point about Humility. 🙂
But…
You can start turning the corner. You can start being the change. You can start the healing process.
You can do that by planting good seed in your home life. You plant that good seed by doing the things talked about in this article — and the things that God will reveal to you as you pray and study His word continually.
And then you can claim this passage – a passage that is both warning and promise:
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
Galatians 6:7-9, NKJV
God bless you!
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