Okay, this has to be written. If it comes off as harsh, please forgive me. But these things need to be said. I write this not only for the church I’m privileged (and it is a privilege) to serve, but also for Christians out there who attend other churches.
It’s my hope that church-going Christians will receive what I write with an open mind, pray over it, and then apply what the Holy Spirit wants them to apply to their own lives and their own respective congregations.
If anything I write troubles you or you disagree with me, I invite you to “search the Scriptures” as the Bereans did (see Acts 17:11). If I’m wrong, go with the Holy Spirit – not me. And pray the Spirit corrects me, but I don’t think I’m wrong.
When church members complain, it hurts the church, hurts the pastor (if he’s sincere and conscientious), and it hurts God.
That’s my contention.
There are several ways church members complain. Some do it up-front and outright. It’s obvious and loud. Some do it behind the scenes. Some cloak their complaints in piety or passive-aggressive language.
Whatever the method of delivery, complaining is wrong.
Don’t believe me?
Consider these Bible verses:
- “Do all things without murmurings and disputings.” (Philippians 2:14)
- “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14)
- “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24)
- “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29)
- “Do not grumble against one another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door.” (James 5:9)
- “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” (Colossians 4:6)
- “Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.” (1 Corinthians 10:10)
- “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21)
Need I go on? The Bible is pretty clear: Christians shouldn’t be complaining or spreading negativity — especially in the church!
Now, let me stop here, and let’s define our terms. Okay?
Let’s take Philippians 2:14 which was written specifically to a local church and is for all local churches today. The Greek word behind “murmurings” is γογγυσμός (goggusmos), which refers to grumbling or muttering dissatisfaction. The Greek word behind “disputings” is διαλογισμός (dialogismos), meaning arguments, debates, or inner questioning that leads to disputes. It can also refer to contentious reasoning or divisive attitudes.
We’re not to spread grumbling, dissatisfaction, arguments, and contention in the church.
“But, I have concerns…”
Okay, good. And that’s fine. There are proper ways to raise those concerns and have them addressed. First, with prayer. Don’t bring forward concerns unless they’ve been bathed in prayer. Second, you need to address those concerns in love; and third, through the proper channels.
You also need to be patient and open to things not working out exactly as you hope or want.
Think of it this way. When you pray, you bring (hopefully in addition to your love, adoration, and praise) concerns to God, right? But you should be submitting yourself to His will and not demanding your will. The same thing is true when you bring concerns to God’s family — the church. The church, as a whole, is more important than you or me as individuals.
Does this mean you can’t make suggestions? Of course you can – and should. But if things don’t work out your way, be okay with that.
People quite often invest their emotions–even their sense of security and identity–in their agendas, preferences, and opinions. This isn’t healthy.
What’s more, whenever we get our nose out of joint (proverbially speaking), we get frustrated and we’re convinced we’re right. And we think others should see it our way and cooperate.
Here’s the bottom line…
- The church doesn’t need to do things your way.
- The church can’t solve all your problems or fix everything for you.
- The church service music doesn’t need to please you.
- The sermon isn’t about entertaining you or tickling your ears.
- Your idea isn’t necessarily the best idea or the right idea for the church.
- Your vision for the church — or even your particular ministry — won’t always match up with the pastor’s vision or the congregation’s vision.
- The pastor doesn’t have to do things your way.
- Neither do the deacons, the trustees, the committee you’re upset about, or whatever.
- Mistakes, misunderstandings, and disagreements happen whenever humans are involved. Be gracious, kind, patient, and forgiving. That’s how you want to be treated, right?
Now, I understand that there are sometimes doctrinal disputes, scandals, or major sins that arise. And those things need to be addressed. The Bible has clear guidelines on how to deal with those, and the church should deal with those matters in a godly manner.
However, it’s been my experience that most of the conflicts and complaints in a church come down to personality differences, misunderstandings, a conflict of visions, or unmet needs or expectations.
The latter is truly an issue. After almost 20 years as a full-time pastor, I can tell you that it’s pretty much impossible for me to stay on top of everything all the time and meet everyone’s expectations. God knows I’ve tried. And I always come up short. There seems to always be something I didn’t do “good enough” or something I forgot or more things I could still do.
And I know that it’s tough when you’re a church member and you feel like you’re not being “heard” or “seen” or “listened to,” but we can’t base our expectations on our wants or even our needs.
Here comes the part where I might sound harsh, but I need you to get this. Okay? I need you to burn this in your brain and remember it! Here it is…
You can’t base your expectations on what you want or even need.
You may need — truly need — $100,000. But if you come to me and ask for $100,000, I don’t have it. I can’t give it to you. Doesn’t matter how much you need it, you’re going to walk away from me with an unmet need. Is that harsh? Sorry. It’s the truth.
Guess what? That’s the case not just with money, but with other things too.
There have been weeks that I’ve added up the unmet needs in our congregation as well as the expectations that people have of me — and I can’t do it. I can’t meet those needs or expectations. Maybe some of them, yes. But not all.
It hurts. I wish I could, but…
I can’t.
Those pastors who have tried to meet all the needs and expectations often burn out and hurt their families. Pastors are human.
The same is true for your deacon, your small group or Sunday school leader, the people in your ministry, or whatever.
People have all sorts of expectations when it comes to church, and not all of them are reasonable or realistic.
You have to center your needs, wants, expectations, emotions, and identity in your relationship with God –and in what God says.
How do we know we’re doing that? Well, here are some Bible verses that tell us how we should approach the church of the living God:
- “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)
- “Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.” (1 Corinthians 1:10)
- “Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.” (Philippians 2:2)
- “And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you; And to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves.” (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13)
- “Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.” (Hebrews 13:17)
Follow those verses and you can’t go wrong. Your church will be healthier and God will be pleased.
The church is not about you. It’s about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the Chief Shepherd and everything we do is to glorify and please Him – and advance His loving kingdom.
So…if you find yourself a complainer (be it out loud, passive-aggressive, behind-the-scenes, whatever), stop! Cease and desist. In the words of Paul, “Be of the same mind” and “Be at peace.”
The church is too important for us to do anything less.
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