“Pastors’ kids.” I say those words and what comes to mind? Well, if you’ve grown up in church, probably a lot of things come to mind — and most of them not good. Pastors’ kids have a reputation, and usually not a positive one.
Want to know why?
Let me tell you about a speaker I heard at a recent pastors conference. He leads a vibrant church in Maryland. It was planted many years ago out of his father’s church. Yes, this man went into ministry, following in his father’s footsteps. And one of the things he often hears is…
“Your dad was wonderful. He visited me all the time.”
Yup, his father is a beloved pastor — one of those pastors who visits all the members regularly and exhausts himself in the rigors of personal pastoral ministry.
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Don’t you want a loving pastor like that?
Well, guess what?
This pastor’s son — the pastor who spoke at our conference — is the only sibling out of five who regularly attends church today. The other children of this beloved pastor don’t go to church. Three don’t go at all. One goes only occasionally.
Why?
Because the church stole their father!
There’s a reason why clergy, as an occupation, have high divorce rates and why pastor’s kids have a “reputation.”
It’s because pastoral ministry is hard on a pastor’s family.
And few church members understand this – or even try to. 
The reality is that most pastors are buried in a pile of expectations that add up to being completely unrealistic. They are expected to visit anyone who goes into the hospital as well as all the shut-ins and elderly. Some churches expect their pastors to visit every household in the congregation at least once a year!
In addition, pastors are also expected to invest lots of time with the youth, provide wise counsel to any couple or individual in distress, personally care for church members who are hurting, mediate conflicts in the church, supervise the staff, manage many of the administrative aspects of the church, oversee the church’s financial health, maybe help out some with the building and grounds, maintain office hours, calmly listen to complaints, personally disciple people in the faith, immediately respond to any phone call, recruit and mentor leaders, help manage and support church events, and preach or teach 1 to 3 times each week (depending on the number of services that church has). And usually more.
Oh, and … have a perfect family!
When you add up all the expectations, needs, and personalities of a given congregation, it becomes an untenable situation.
It’s at this point that I feel I need to make the following disclaimer. The overwhelming number of people who attend the church I serve are loving, reasonable, and just plain wonderful. Thankfully, both the churches I’ve served have loved my family and most of the members of both congregations have supported my need to spend time with my family.
But… I would be lying if I said there haven’t been exceptions. In my now close to two decades as a pastor, there have been sacrifices, challenges, and difficulties. And my family has given up a lot.
That list of tasks and responsibilities I gave earlier for pastors…it wasn’t all-inclusive. Thankfully, the church I serve has several active, committed lay leaders who have been immensely valuable to our church. And we can afford a staff. But even so, 50-60 hours each week is a norm for me. If there’s a wedding or funeral that week, we’re talking much more.
Thankfully, my family has been very understanding and supportive. I couldn’t ask for a better wife. And I’m so grateful for my two (now adult) children. But they’ve had to give up a lot.
No matter the church you attend, my prayer is that you remember your pastor is human, and if he has a family, then his family is his first ministry. Next to God, his family should be his highest priority. That means he will have to set boundaries and won’t be able to regularly put in 70-80 hour work weeks. It’s not healthy for him–or his family.
You can help your pastor devote the time he needs to his family by contributing to a church culture that sets reasonable and realistic expectations of your pastor — and doesn’t expect him to be anything other than a human who also needs love, prayer, and encouragement.
You can also regularly pray for your pastor, his marriage, and his family. And be a voice of encouragement to not only the pastor but also to his family.
And when you hear people criticize the pastor–and especially the pastor’s family–speak up for them.
To all the pastors reading this… God knows your sacrifices and the burdens you carry. May He bless you with grace, strength, and wisdom as you serve Him.
God bless you.
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