Your wife or husband should love you, serve you, and contribute to your happiness. But your spouse cannot make you happy. It is neither possible nor fair for you to put that expectation on them. It is too much of a burden for them to carry.
Obviously, it’s easier to be happy when your marriage is happy, but…
Trying to get others to make us happy can lead to co-dependency and strained relationships. It can undermine our sense of autonomy, leading to feelings of helplessness. We literally outsource our emotional welfare and mental health to other people.
That is not God’s way — not even in marriage.
I’m blessed with an awesome wife. I’m grateful that she has put up with me for over three decades.
Nevertheless, I can tell you that it doesn’t work to operate from a position of insecurity, neediness, or fear — and then put pressure or expectation on your spouse to fill your happiness tank. I did that sometimes early on in our marriage. It only made things worse.
Our peace and joy must come from God. He is the source of our strength.
I have a wonderful wife, but she isn’t God.
If you expect your spouse to be God, you’re creating a false god and you’re undermining the very foundation of your marriage.
So, what does the Bible say about marriage?
In his letter to the church in Ephesus, Paul addresses both theology and relationships. The first part is heavy on the former, with the second half being heavy on practical and relational matters. Although, I would argue that even the practical and relational stuff falls under the theological umbrella. After all, it’s theology that explains the basis for our relationships.
He says a lot about how Christians should interact with one another in the fourth chapter of Ephesians and then continues that theme into the fifth chapter. (Of course, the chapters and verses were incorporated into the Bible in the 16th century. Prior to that, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians was just that — a letter. Straight text. No verses. That’s helpful to keep in mind in these matters). I want to pick up the letter starting with Ephesians 5:15 and keep our focus on the theme of happiness in relationships…
See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Ephesians 5:15-21, KJV
We are to walk through this life with wisdom. That should be a hint to seek out wisdom continually. Without wisdom, you are going to bring a lot of unnecessary drama and pain into your life. A great starting point to acquire wisdom — after you pray and ask God for it of course (see James 1:5) — is to read the Book of Proverbs. And read it often. There are several passages in Proverbs that deal with happiness.
Paul warns that walking in wisdom and being wise in how we spend our time (and committing that time to God) is crucial because “the days are evil.” We are to seek wisdom and seek out God’s will for our lives. That, not incidentally, includes God’s will for your relationships.
Don’t date someone unless you believe God wants you to date that person. Certainly don’t get serious with someone or marry someone unless you’re sure that is who God wants you to marry. Oh, and don’t be having sex and sleeping around before marriage. The Bible is clear on that. Violating the Bible on that point will add much drama and turmoil to your life.
Paul then says we shouldn’t turn to wine in order to cope with life or get happiness. The Book of Proverbs says the same thing. (See Proverbs 20:1). We don’t need a “buzz” or to get drunk in order to deal with stress, get an “edge,” or grab happiness.
We need the Holy Spirit.
We should rely on God, not alcohol, drugs, or any other such substances.
Then, Paul brings the focus back to the church — back to the community of believers. He says we should be encouraging and uplifting one another with “psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord.” We should also be giving “thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Then Paul writes…
“Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
The Greek word for “submitting” is “ὑποτασσόμενοι” (hypotassomenoi). This word is derived from the root “ὑποτάσσω” (hypotassō). The term “ὑποτάσσω” (hypotassō) comes from “ὑπό” (hypo), meaning “under,” and “τάσσω” (tassō), meaning “to arrange” or “to put in order.” Thus, it literally means to arrange or put oneself under, to subject oneself, or to be subordinate.
Subordination is the opposite of selfishness. It’s the opposite of control. It is yielding your agenda, your ego, and your will to another.
Yet this is how Paul says Christians (male and female) are to interact with one another in the family of God. He makes the same point in his letter to the church in Philippi when he writes:
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
Philippians 2:3-4, KJV
Though he doesn’t use the term “ὑποτάσσω” (hypotassō) in these verses, he is speaking of the same thing. Indeed, he uses the example of Christ Himself who humbled Himself in service and sacrifice for you and for me.
That is the mindset that God’s people are to have with one another. Given that the mindset of the Christian is to be submission in love — first to God and then to each other — do you think it’s a coincidence that those who push back the hardest against humility and submission are often the most unhappy people around?
With that in mind, Paul turns to marriage specifically…
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Ephesians 5:22-33, KJV
This blog post isn’t intended as an exegetical or expository commentary of Ephesians 5, so I won’t be diving into the weeds on this controversial passage. I do, however, want to point out what should be the obvious. Both the husband and the wife are asked to submit — albeit in different ways — in this passage.
The wife is exhorted to “ὑποτάσσω” (hypotassō) herself to her husband. She is to come under her husband as she joins together with him to become “one flesh” (see Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:8, and Ephesians 5:31). Similarly, Jesus is subordinate to the Father within the Trinity even as He is “one” with the Father (see John 10:30).
The husband is exhorted to lay aside personal or selfish ambition and to sacrifice himself for his wife — just as Jesus gave Himself for His church.
Obviously, there is more that can be said about this passage, but suffice it to say for now: In both cases (for the wife and for the husband), there is no room for selfishness.
Selfishness will kill a marriage.
And it will kill your happiness.
The biblical model of marriage is that you voluntarily set aside your interests, ego, and desires in humble, loving, and authentic sacrifice to God and your spouse.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t communicate your needs to your spouse, no more than it means that we can’t communicate our needs to God. But it does mean that we are to be driven by love. We are to be oriented toward giving, not taking.
And this means giving without demand or expectation. No quid pro quo.
That means nothing like…
- “I took your car to the shop for you, therefore you should…”
- “I mow the lawn. You better…”
- “I took out the trash last time. You should do it this time.”
And certainly not…
- “I do all this stuff for you, so you need to….”
- “The Bible says you should… (insert whatever), therefore I demand you (insert whatever)”
That’s not loving communication. That’s making demands.
Whether you are the wife or husband, you can’t make yourself the Enforcer of the Bible or set yourself up as the Arbiter of Truth and Judgment. That will ruin your relationship.
But what about my husband (or wife)?
None of this is written to let your spouse off the hook.
Your spouse should love you. They are supposed to love you. And, in that spirit of love, they should serve you and strive to contribute to your happiness.
And… your spouse will one day stand before God and give account for his or her relationship with you.
Just as you will.
I’m not writing this to let anyone off the hook. I’m simply pointing out that the biblical model is service and sacrifice — in just about every area of our lives, including in our marriages. And…
Love isn’t about feelings. It’s about giving. It’s about giving even when what you are giving isn’t necessarily being returned.
Love is the highest (and toughest) virtue. Yet it’s the key to your happiness.
You will never truly be happy unless you learn to love. And you can’t learn to love unless you learn to be humble, patient, and sacrificial.
Ultimately, a true lover is a sacrificial giver.
We have the Lord’s example (see John 3:16) to show us the way.
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